The most honest shit I need to admit to myself.

It's been a while, huh?

 I've been delaying this for God knows how long.

It's about time I finally take this off of my chest.

Oh Bel, I see you. You've really fucked it up for yourself this time. But it's not too late. When I look at you right know, I see how much you hurt and how hard you've only been trying to ease that pain. I know you're not proud of yourself for doing this this way, I know you want to get out of this hole. And I'm here to help you do just that! I've been here always, waiting for you to finally let me take charge and show you the way that will bring you peace.

I know deep down you always knew it. Noticed how everything you've visualized has come to reality somehow? Crazy, right? It's like you know how things are going to go before they happen, or like you know exactly how to make things happen as you envision them... Why then, have you use such great power to create so many shitty things for your life? Oh, I get it. You were unaware of your power. That's fine, my dear. The good thing is, you've finally opened your eyes.

Remember the guy from Starbucks? Remember how you knew exactly how to make your way to get what you wanted from him even knowing that he wasn't right for you? Remember when you had him in your bed, you on top, lights off, his dark eyes glowing subtly with the street's light outside the window? Remember that thought that crossed your mind right there? "This is exactly what I wanted, and I got it. This is exactly how I wanted to have him, and it's come to reality" Right. Even if he couldn't be further away from the man of your dreams, you had him just like you wanted him since the first time you saw him. Remember the feeling of accomplishment mixed with the disappointment of getting something you thought you wanted and realizing you didn't actually want it?

Yup, that's right. I want you to remember that very moment. Because something shifted in you then, call it a quantum leap of whatever you wish, it was powerful inside you and so unexpected. That was the moment you let me in - or out. I understand you felt like numbing yourself again after what happened, I also know you realized how dumb that was, you can't unsee what you've seen with the eyes of your consciousness. It was a matter of time until you finally surrendered.

Now we're here. Starting from scratch. You knew it from the very beginning you were going to end up in the deepest, right where the only thing left to do is to rise up. What's the plan now? We're going to stop distracting yourself from what's really important. We will start facing the things you've been running away from. You have no option now. You feel trapped but relieved, I understand. Because you now finally know that you'll do whatever it takes.

I want to address this other thing I know you've been thinking lately. Only because I know one day you'll come back to this and you'll want to remember it. The romantic partner/relationship thing:

You've seen it. You say you're this and that, a person who's willing to compromise and communicate, a reliable person, someone you can trust, someone so amazing. And, yes you are, but you aren't at the same time. All that is in you, it's true. You're capable of all those things, but you also know none of that stands on firm ground until you've worked on fixing what you're going through right now.

I hope you know in the future I won't say these things to hurt you or make you feel bad about yourself. But just to leave a record here of how things are at the moment. You don't trust yourself, you are not reliable for yourself and you haven't been willing to compromise. You've been bending to your whims without thinking, without calculating, just to numb yourself. You've been living a life way out of your budget, pretending you have the lifestyle you dream of, but getting further and further deep in debt. How honest is that kind of life? And how can you think of building something stable with a significant other when you haven't even built a stable life of your own?

You've always wanted these things, but you've also always known this is not the way, that this is all play-pretend. And that this is only ruining your actual dreams. You put yourself in a situation where you're finding it hard to pay for groceries! Why would you sacrifice your wellbeing like that? I know, I know. You know better now. Don't feel bad. But we will compromise now, for real and for good.

As the guy from that YouTube short said: "I'm about to ruin your life because you won't be buying anything or going anywhere for the next three years". When you heard that you thought "that sounds about right, seems like the only way out of this". You though it could happen and it happened. And now here we are, starting our way out of it. Hopefully sooner than that, but sure some tight years are ahead of you... and you got to be real serious about it.

I also admire you for trying to see the positive out of the situation. Thinking "I'm going to use this as an opportunity to learn how to make good money, I'll learn how to budget and I'll learn how to live frugally but happily". That for sure will be good for your future. And you're still young so you have plenty of time - God willing - to clean yourself from debts and start anew, wiser and more grounded in yourself.

All this time you though having things - all the things you couldn't have as a kid - was going to make you feel fulfilled and happy. But you've also realized: what do you want a closet full of nice clothes for, if you don't have a penny to go out with your friends and wear such clothes? Why do you want to eat out so much or order takeout if it will only make you gain weight and then the nice clothes won't even fit? Why do you want so much jewelry and expensive shoes and bags instead of a guitar, a good mic and an audio interface that will allow you to make music - which is something you love so much?

You've been distracting yourself from doing the things that will actually bring you happiness and fulfillment. Things that will actually build you and your life in the way you dream. Things that will bring you joy and open opportunities for your future. Things that will allow you to connect with more people - which is something you deeply long for. At the end of the day, you know that feeling safe in your own life isn't something you can fake. And that having that safety net when it comes to money really changes the game for you, now you know that, right?

Girl, you've been sabotaging your life. How many fun plans you've had to skip because you just didn't have the money. How many times you've received your paycheck and that same day you pay your installments and you are back to zero on your bank account? Now you know that doesn't feel good, don't you? You've known it for many years... But only now you're here, willing to stop the bullshit and make your life take a drastic turn.

If this is what it takes - reaching the bottom of it all - then so be it. Now that you're here you know you won't ever want to be here again. You've done this process already with your relationships with men and love. You can do it with money now too. I can't think of something else you have an issue with besides these two. I truly think you'll be unstoppable once you recover from this. You will learn so much, you'll get so much wiser, and you'll be able to live a good life like you've always wanted.

Last but not least, I believe in you, Bel. I believe in the vision you have for your life and the world you will create from now on. And I know you wanted me to write down all of this here for the future you, as a reminder, and also putting things into words will help you stay strong when you feel discouraged. You'll be fine. It will be tough but you'll make it and you'll be proud of yourself. I'm already proud of you for making a hard choice.

Everything will be fine.

Trust me, for in you I trust.

And for that, cheers 🥂

Here's a rant about intimacy and why the f*ck it's so scary to me.

 So this draft has been sitting there since last year's September, with just the title on it... As if it was waiting for me to finally write about this. Even the thought of writing about it is so scary to me, but something just clicked tonight.

1:58 am here. I was watching "The Life List". Honestly, I've been running away from my mind lately watching Netflix shows, movies or YouTube videos, or dumb scrolling... I thought it was gonna be a chill light movie to watch right before bed... God! I don't know, you'll get it if you've watched it.

So I spent almost a full year of my life, from March 2024 to Feb 2025, in this situationship... I always knew I didn't see myself in any future with this guy, and I still wanted to be chosen by him so desperately, it was so lame. But hey! I'm not here to beat myself up for my mistakes. If anything, I acknowledge it made me cringe every time I noticed the desperation, but I just couldn't face it.

It ended. Suddenly. It did hurt but I felt so much relief. He found the love of his life a week after. I was genuinely happy for him, and still couldn't stop myself from wondering "why?" The tought was so heavy on my mind "why did he find it so quickly and why am I still here stuck, feeling unlovable as fuck? Is this ever going to change? Am I always going to be the one left behind?"

I spent ten months, out of the eleven we were hooking up, abandoning myself. I tried not to, but I didn't know better. I did observe my mind, my patterns and the emotions that came up during that time though. I learned a lot from it. So, on the last month I decided to jump and open up about everything with him, it felt like I was gonna die, honestly. But it was also so liberating. I gave him the chance to open up too and things kind of improved for a couple of weeks... until it just ended because that bond was just never built solid and grounded from the beginning. It was doomed to end. 

I'll just leave this here for context so you can remember. I had been entertaining this other situation with the Starbucks guy for about a month when that happened. And after the thing ended, I kept entertaining it even more. So now I'm kind of dating the guy and things just feel so off... I no longer feel like jumping through hoops for this new guy to choose me but I also kinda like having him around. And I'm aware that the attention that he gives me provides me with some validation but it just feels so wrong. Also, he's pretty much avoidant, in his own words he "decided to build a wall around him to not show his feelings because around the age of 14 something traumatic happened" and now he "would rather let people think he's cold hearted and desn't have any feelings". And even though he seems sweet under all that, it's just that I no longer have the bandwidth to deal with that... I'm exhausted.

And I'm only now starting to recognize that I've been exhausted for several years! I think I've been exhausted since my childhood! "Why am I doing this to myself?" is the question that pops in my mind every second of silence... "Why am I sabotaging every good thing that I could have in my life by putting something that doesn't fit in its place?"

I've come to think that I'm just deeply, immensely scared of vulnerability and true intimacy. Maybe deep down I just feel broken too. Maybe I'm tired of telling myself otherwise, trying to convince myself that I feel a different way because "nothing is actually wrong with me, right?" Because maybe as a child my mom would always dismiss or invalidate my feelings so I grew up feeling so unsafe. I never felt I had a safe place to go to, and it hurt so much to wish it was my  mother's arms but it wasn't. "Who do I run to when I'm scared? Who will protect me no matter what?" I just felt to alone.

I've carried that for a long time, I think. It's so heavy now I just can't. My dear friend Sam has been telling me to face my shadow, embrace it, go through it with it. At first I didn't know how. But I kept my heart open because there was a calling about that. And suddenly it just clicked while watching this movie...

All this time I've been so much in my head. Analysing, trying to make sense out of things, figure it out... But actually just running away from feeling it. Because deep down I do feel broken and alone. And even if I try to set boundaries with this new guy, it would feel so wrong to do it from that place, instead of facing the actual thing.

In my head I could have this very clear and well constructed speech about what I want and expect and "feel", and all that... But I haven't been able to talk to him about it. Whenever I try I just mumble, I forget whas I told myself I was supposed to say. Of course, because it's all rehearsed in my mind, but it's not my truth.

My deepest heart's truth is this I'm writing about. That I don't know how to carry on. That I don't remember what love is and I don't know how to feel safe loving and I'm so scared to let people in. That I think everyeone new will just hurt me like all the past partners I've had. That I don't know how to trust him. And that this is the real shitty ass mess he'll be dealing with if he stays with me. That I don't know how to do this anymore, the whole "dating" thing, and that I'm exhausted and tired of pretending that I'm okay when I'm not. And that I'm so fucking scared of it all.

The only peace I find in this is feeling less alone with the thought of God, or whatever you call it. Feeling supported by it's wisdom, it's love. Maybe it's placebo, who knows. But at least for now I want to believe that this higher force is keeping me safe, that it could be my mom's arms I could run to. I want to believe it's going to hold my hand through it all, because Im scared of this darkness.

So... I guess that's at least one thing to which I could say... Cheers! 🥂

I created a monster. And that's how powerful I am.

 When I found him, he was disastrous. Anyone would have thought he was a homeless, out of his mind kind of man, just by his looks. I remember him so clearly in those early days, I'm sure you do too.

From start to end, the entangled and extremely confused mind of his remained the same. What did I see in him? I asked myself that for a long time. You don't have to ask yourself that question anymore, I've figured it out for you. It's the inherent power you carry within. Yet again it's a course and a blessing. Seeing good in everyone, the glimpse of great potential in everyone.

I know now why you had always sought to fix people, but that’s not the point here. Anyhow, he was just once more, a man who thought himself a broken human being. It was inevitable.

But that’s the risk you take when you play with fire, when you try to play God, when you meddle in divine matters that are for no human to handle. It could go very wrong. You’ve learned your lesson.

So how do you create a monster?

You love him. But it’s not love. Just an idea of love.

You give him everything he always lacked and longed for. You pour into him, you wait for him to give something back, you think your seeds will bloom in his heart as they did in yours.

They do bloom. But they grow into deformed horrifying things. And in the blink of an eye, he’s clinging onto you, sucking all of you, he’s starving. He wants more, more, more… It’s out of control.

You gotta be careful with what you pour into and where from within you do it. Because what you think is love, could be poisonous. And it’s still very powerful. It’s still creative force.

Every beautiful thing could be corrupted in the wrong hands. All ideas you planted in him, grew into more confusion. He was not sure of himself, he became full of himself, and you did it, by making him the main star of the show. And he went crazy. He loved the attention. He loved feeling loved for no reason. It was not love but poison. And he got drunk on it. You gave it to him. You wanted to be loved too.

This monster turned into your worst nightmare. He stabbed you in the back with all of what you fed him. He’s not to blame. He was confused and lost to begin with. How dare you try to fix him? It was never your place.

You got yourself a guinea pig to experiment with because of how unsatisfied you were with your own life. You know this now, I won’t repeat all what you know. But that’s your power. You saw it in action, just not well intended.

All of it was supposed to be planted in you. Those were your seeds, for you, for your own garden. They were meant for you, not for anyone else. It cost you lots, I know. You had to free the monster and start over. At least now you know your power and how much creative force you carry. Channel it wisely from now on. Craft a beautiful being out of yourself. Let the rest in God’s hands.

And for that, cheers 🥂