I'm in repair 🎋

I don’t even know what I’ve been so scared of, to be honest. But I realized I would so much rather try something new and fail and make a mistake than just be paralyzed by my own fear.

I was asked, not so long ago, where I saw myself in five years. To be fair, I was unable to find an answer. 

I used to have an ideal prospect of life for myself maybe 5 years ago, but life has turned out to be quite different no matter what.

We tend to get too attached to these very fixed ideas of who we are or who we should be in the future, how our life should look like. But that's precisely what this last season of my life has been about. All those ideas, I've been letting them die.

It's been a very slow season of transition from fall to winter. It's been cozy, it's been about staying inside, it's been about cultivating human warmth and patience. It's been about getting comfortable with uncertainty.

For me, spring is definitely not around the corner. However, I'm not in haste for it to come anytime soon. As my desire is to take my time to let the ground rest moist and prepare for a new season. 

What may grow? What may bloom? I do not know nor want to know. My experiment is about finding my sync back with nature as much as a human possibly could.

Every weed must die and decompose before I can plant new seeds in this parcel of mine. So I'm letting the season do its wise thing.

When timely, we shall see new sprouts.

I quit 🍂

I'm exhausted.

There's this thought that hunts my mind every single fucking day and, I must admit, I hate it. I know, I know... "what you resist, persists". I do think about it, I do try so fucking hard not to resist it, which is funny because by trying hard not to resist it, I'm resisting it even harder aaAghhhh FUCK!!!

I just need to get it off my chest, please... Cause when I allow myself to be vulnerable about it I can't help but cry. I sometimes wish there was someone who would listen to me and get me, just someone who gets me, you know? I long for this thing that feels so foreign and familiar at the same time, it seems so close and so distant, so possible and so utopic all together. This longing makes my heart hurt sometimes and I wonder: "is this even a healthy longing to have?"

Why is it that my heart sinks when I think about it? Is it my wounded inner little sweet girl who is so afraid to believe and be fearless again? Is she holding on to old pain? Is she afraid to fully let go and hold my hand and finally bring me back to my deepest, truest self?

Maybe I'm being too ambiguous here. So, here's some context for the future me reading this: This is about a lonely path I'm in right now. This is about finding out about relational patterns, and realizing how intoxicated my brain is. This is about a choice I made exactly three months ago. This is about a goal that feels like the biggest thing I've ever set my mind to in my entire life. Remember when I said I had decided to live life as an ongoing experiment? Well, it's about that too. 

Only three months ago this thought began to dawn on me that I haven't been single for like the past eight years. So, I get it, I gotta be compassionate with myself, since choosing to stay single no matter what might be extremely uncomfortable for my brain at the beginning. But, ugh, God I was not expecting so many roaches to come crawling so disgustingly out of the shadows!

Can I get like super fucking raw here with you? Oh, absolutely. The amount of compulsive thoughts, behaviors, cravings and such that I've been facing, has been terrifying. I don't regret my decision. I still think it's the best thing I've done in a long time and it's only been three months, I wonder how much more I would have seen and worked on when one full year had gone by, maybe I'll even be up for another year then. But wait, I don't want to get too far ahead in my head. This is about the present moment.

There's this voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough, not interesting enough, not wealthy enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not healthy enough... not lovable enough... And already too old to find "my person". This same voice tells me that he would be too good, too smart, too sexy, too kind, too much to ever set eyes on me. All in all, I know good men exist in this world, but somehow this voice manages to convince me that I'm not destined to find one to build a life with.

And then there's this other voice that tells me that I've been working so much on myself, that I am a rare beautiful treasure of a woman, that I'm so freaking deep and magical and powerful. And no, it does not come from that "empowered" women bullshit speech I'm so fed up with. I truly believe it. I've come so far, I've died so many times, I've burnt through suffering and pain for so long, and I've seen the beauty of it and the darkness of it, and I've been afraid of it and I've been thankful for it. And I know, deep in my bones that I'm meant to be this woman I'm becoming. And I know I'm not meant to meet a man right now. He's probably on his way of becoming the warrior he's meant to be as well, he's probably on his own journey. And maybe he's thinking of me, a woman he hasn't yet met but he longs for...

Or maybe these are all childish fairytales in my imagination and I just want to quit it all. Cause I'm fucking tired of daydreaming. I'm missing out on the real day-to-day life. And maybe this is all just my intoxicated brain still thinking that this life's greatest joy and achievement is to find a man wise and mature enough to build something sacred and long-lasting with. I mean... it still sounds beautiful, but I wanna quit. I quit.

My goal with this experiment is to reach a point where there's finally a day in my life free of such thoughts. Free of daydreaming about this man that is "the one", the "love of my life", or whatever. It's a fucking energy leak and I truly just want it to stop. I am aware that I need that energy for other things, things that will build me a life I feel safer living. That's what I know truly matters now. I made this choice for little Bel. She needs me now more than ever. I want her to trust in me again. I want to build a soft and safe place for her to come out and play and express herself in the most authentic ways. I want her to help me find my way back home. I want her to know I won't let anyone hurt her ever again and that I'm here for her, always.

That being said, I quit.

And I was thinking the other day, as I was walking back home and it was pouring rain and it was pretty sad like a scene from a kdrama, that maybe this quitting process is not an instant thing. Maybe it's a decision I ought to keep making day by day, cause my brain will try and bring me back to old thoughts and old patterns, cause it feels familiar and safe and I get it.

Maybe, I need to grieve over the death of this idea that has lived in my head for such a long time. At the end of the day, I am indeed letting go of something that has been so big and important. I'm letting it die inside me, and I can feel the void it's leaving in me. And I can allow myself to grieve. And as I grieve, I keep making this choice every day. I quit again and again, one day at a time. Until it becomes the new familiar thing and I won't have to purposely think about it but I will have quit, slowly but surely.

Anyways. I quit.

So, cheers! 🥂

Being back 🌱

I've been thinking a lot lately... about... like... what am I doing? I mean, like... WHAT. AM. I. DOING? Seriously, I feel so lost it's overwhelming. I've got this weird sense of energy leaking and not even knowing where it's going is making me have a really hard time directing it.

I've been working on making peace with uncertainty, with facing the unknown, and on emptying myself more and more in order to allow new information in. It's kinda funny to see things unravel and life trips me up over and over. I can't help but laugh at myself when I catch myself falling into the same behaviors and patterns, but I've observed them and studied them for so long now, that even if I tip over the same pile of shit... it's just so fucking hilarious.

Anyways, what am I doing? I feel like I want to enjoy the "not knowing" part of it but I self-sabotage the experience. I told myself this was gonna be a season of not doing, not expecting, and just embracing the spaciousness of my existing (yes, not existence but existing) without the hustle. And yet, I've found myself saying yes to things and filling up my time and space with things that I didn't want or even need. No doubt I feel breathless again then, and just burnt out.

I come from years and years of unconsciously practicing these patterns I want to detox from, and I know, deep down, this is what I need: to just pause for a while, switch to slow living as much as possible and ground myself here and now. I've felt it before and that's why I know this, to continuously stop and come back to my body, to fully and wholeheartedly open everything in me to feel, feeeeeel, that's it. Feeling. Stop trying to process every emotion and experience with the mind. It's not its purpose. And for how many years I didn't allow myself to feel? Gosh!

Now that I'm finally unpacking all this backlog of repressed and unprocessed emotions and old pains, I just feel it more than ever, deep in my bones, that I crave this silence, this stillness. So I gotta stop robbing myself of it. I don't need to know the why, I don't need to understand, I just need to listen to my heart's calling and fucking feel with every cell in my body and sweat it all out, cry it all out, scream it all out... or type it all out in whatever way my body feels like it.

So yeah, that's the update. I'll try to post here more often, ya know, for my future self.

Until next time,

cheers! 🥂

Living life as an ongoing experiment ✨

 Alrighty, time to get serious here about some shit. Where do I even begin?

It's been tough lately. I would say the last year and a half I've died like three times... And it's been so fucking hard and painful. I hadn't fully recovered from dying the first time when I died the second, and wasn't even expecting the third one. But curiously enough, it was only after the last time that I was forced to face some truths I was running away from. Guess I needed a cheap shot from the universe. Guess it was sick and tired of my bullshit hahahahaha. All for my own good though. It's all good. We're good.

So yeah, I've been processing things I couldn't even remember before, things I had buried in the deepest depths of my brain, don't forgive the redundancy, it is as it is.

Signs have been unfolding in front of me in the creepiest ways, very gently at the same time. How the universe works its ways is very particular indeed. And I've found myself grieving things from years ago, decades ago, sometimes it even feels like I'm grieving things from past lives.

And I'm mesmerized, honestly. How was it even possible to carry such an immensely heavy backlog for so long? How did I make it so far with such a load on my heart? At the beginning, these questions seemed to be followed by a void in my mind which it interpreted as "no answer". But, you know, if one stays with it, one will actually start to feel. Staying silent with that void, I found out, through it, there's a way down to the room of my heart. This door that the mind is, has no answer for ninety-nine percent of things that are felt in the heart.

I've been finally learning about kindness.

Biggest realization ever for me lately: it all begins with the ways I am kind to myself.

Honestly, though. How the heck could I expect kindness and love and compassion from life when I'm being so fucking hard on myself? I catch myself beating myself up about the dumbest things, also things that are absolutely non of my business, or just not at all my tasks to be so concerned about to begin with. Things I did or said I cannot change, situations and people far away in the past, closed doors, etc. But then, as funny as it sounds, I also beat myself up for beating myself up about these things, wth?

Well, it all comes down to kindness. Kindness doesn't come afterwards, it's what ignites it all. It ignites forgiveness, compassion, understanding, empathy.

Also, kindness has taught me that it's okay to make mistakes, and that, at the end of the day, mistakes are not that big of a deal. This life is a freaking continuous learning experience. It's fine! What's gone is gone, what will come will come, and what is just is. Kindness inhabits the present moment, and how much sweeter it is to dwell in it than in old pains.

And so, I've chosen to live my life as an ongoing experiment. Allowing myself to try as many things as possible, dying and being reborn as many times as needed, deconstructing my identities and rebuilding them constantly, going for it, for what? I don't know, trial and error, whatever outcome I'm fine with. No, it's not about being complaisant or agreeable with just whatever. It's about constantly shredding dead skin and renewing my eyes.

Cheers! 🥂

Here's to new beginnings 🥂

I come back here from time to time. It has become a safer place over the course of a decade or maybe more. And I don't think any ghosts from the past dare wander around this long-forgotten realm anymore.

I get that tingling sensation, a little rush of dopamine and adrenaline at the same time, if it makes any sense. Like I can pretend someone still comes to this dusty nook of the virtual space and still minds reading these random little thoughts, or that, by sheer fluke, some stranger could come across it and decide to stay for a while and drink from the elixir of my memories, letting them dampen their souls a bit. How refreshing! Borrowed remembrances of a world never known.

I honestly like it here, the silence and stillness of it, like the places in ruins I used to visit only to share a moment with weeds, debris and ghosts. Could this then be my new safe place? A comfortable one perchance and at last? I swear I've tried journaling in a notebook with just a pen and found it so difficult. And don't get me wrong, I love writing out all sorts of things by hand... I just find myself feeling so much resistance when it's my complicated emotions.

Anyways, may this place become once more the container of my shadow. May this place be tender bedding for my vulnerability and secrets I would only share with a kind ear.

Cheers! 🥂