Here's a rant about intimacy and why the f*ck it's so scary to me:

 So this draft has been sitting there since last year's September, with just the title on it... As if it was waiting for me to finally write about this. Even the thought of writing about it is so scary to me, but something just clicked tonight.

1:58 am here. I was watching "The Life List". Honestly, I've been running away from my mind lately watching Netflix shows, movies or YouTube videos, or dumb scrolling... I thought it was gonna be a chill light movie to watch right before bed... God! I don't know, you'll get it if you've watched it.

So I spent almost a full year of my life, from March 2024 to Feb 2025, in this situationship... I always knew I didn't see myself in any future with this guy, and I still wanted to be chosen by him so desperately, it was so lame. But hey! I'm not here to beat myself up for my mistakes. If anything, I acknowledge it made me cringe every time I noticed the desperation, but I just couldn't face it.

It ended. Suddenly. It did hurt but I felt so much relief. He found the love of his life a week after. I was genuinely happy for him, and still couldn't stop myself from wondering "why?" The tought was so heavy on my mind "why did he find it so quickly and why am I still here stuck, feeling unlovable as fuck? Is this ever going to change? Am I always going to be the one left behind?"

I spent ten months, out of the eleven we were hooking up, abandoning myself. I tried not to, but I didn't know better. I did observe my mind, my patterns and the emotions that came up during that time though. I learned a lot from it. So, on the last month I decided to jump and open up about everything with him, it felt like I was gonna die, honestly. But it was also so liberating. I gave him the chance to open up too and things kind of improved for a couple of weeks... until it just ended because that bond was just never built solid and grounded from the beginning. It was doomed to end. 

I'll just leave this here for context so you can remember. I had been entertaining this other situation with the Starbucks guy for about a month when that happened. And after the thing ended, I kept entertaining it even more. So now I'm kind of dating the guy and things just feel so off... I no longer feel like jumping through hoops for this new guy to choose me but I also kinda like having him around. And I'm aware that the attention that he gives me provides me with some validation but it just feels so wrong. Also, he's pretty much avoidant, in his own words he "decided to build a wall around him to not show his feelings because around the age of 14 something traumatic happened" and now he "would rather let people think he's cold hearted and desn't have any feelings". And even though he seems sweet under all that, it's just that I no longer have the bandwidth to deal with that... I'm exhausted.

And I'm only now starting to recognize that I've been exhausted for several years! I think I've been exhausted since my childhood! "Why am I doing this to myself?" is the question that pops in my mind every second of silence... "Why am I sabotaging every good thing that I could have in my life by putting something that doesn't fit in its place?"

I've come to think that I'm just deeply, immensely scared of vulnerability and true intimacy. Maybe deep down I just feel broken too. Maybe I'm tired of telling myself otherwise, trying to convince myself that I feel a different way because "nothing is actually wrong with me, right?" Because maybe as a child my mom would always dismiss or invalidate my feelings so I grew up feeling so unsafe. I never felt I had a safe place to go to, and it hurt so much to wish it was my  mother's arms but it wasn't. "Who do I run to when I'm scared? Who will protect me no matter what?" I just felt to alone.

I've carried that for a long time, I think. It's so heavy now I just can't. My dear friend Sam has been telling me to face my shadow, embrace it, go through it with it. At first I didn't know how. But I kept my heart open because there was a calling about that. And suddenly it just clicked while watching this movie...

All this time I've been so much in my head. Analysing, trying to make sense out of things, figure it out... But actually just running away from feeling it. Because deep down I do feel broken and alone. And even if I try to set boundaries with this new guy, it would feel so wrong to do it from that place, instead of facing the actual thing.

In my head I could have this very clear and well constructed speech about what I want and expect and "feel", and all that... But I haven't been able to talk to him about it. Whenever I try I just mumble, I forget whas I told myself I was supposed to say. Of course, because it's all rehearsed in my mind, but it's not my truth.

My deepest heart's truth is this I'm writing about. That I don't know how to carry on. That I don't remember what love is and I don't know how to feel safe loving and I'm so scared to let people in. That I think everyeone new will just hurt me like all the past partners I've had. That I don't know how to trust him. And that this is the real shitty ass mess he'll be dealing with if he stays with me. That I don't know how to do this anymore, the whole "dating" thing, and that I'm exhausted and tired of pretending that I'm okay when I'm not. And that I'm so fucking scared of it all.

The only peace I find in this is feeling less alone with the thought of God, or whatever you call it. Feeling supported by it's wisdom, it's love. Maybe it's placebo, who knows. But at least for now I want to believe that this higher force is keeping me safe, that it could be my mom's arms I could run to. I want to believe it's going to hold my hand through it all, because Im scared of this darkness.

So... I guess that's at least one thing to which I could say... Cheers! 🥂