Here's to discomfort 🥂

I love that sound.
Yellow birds at dawn.
It sounds like I've done something I'll regret.

Discomfort.
Both a curse and a blessing.
A longing.
Hope and despair.

Wishing deeply and letting go entirely.
Can I let the longing itself leave me feeling well fucked?
It's the aliveness found in it.

I love that sound.
Silence.
Early in the morning.
Stillness before chaos awakens.

What's there to choose?
Regrets.
It's either this or that.
We learn to let go of what could have been.
We choose our regrets.
We embrace our choices.

What's there to long for?
A soul, a being, as complete as he can be.
Just like me.
Entirely different in his own way.

What's there to build?
That's for me to know and for you to find out.

We're both alive.
Somewhere.
Longing for each other.

And I love that sound.
It sounds like uncertainty.

Sit with it.
Dwell in it.
Go through it.
We'll get there.

In the meantime,
here's to discomfort.
Cheers 🥂

I don't think I've ever loved anyone for real 🧩

Today felt like day one.

It just clicked for me few days ago. My body and my emotional world are thirsty for some decluttering. Just some silence. Some time to listen to what's actually happening inside.

I've been filling up my mind for eight months now. Filling it with so much information. Books, workshops, retreats, YouTube videos, podcasts, Instagram posts and Tiktok videos, reels, even memes... I'm fed up.

Yes, it's true I've learned a lot. Yes, it's all very useful information, but my head is about to explode. Too much of anything can become intoxicating.

I've looked back at the times I thought I was in love, those times I thought I cared about someone else. But I've found myself looking at my dead ones and my unborn right in the eye.

I've been living for them, honoring them, giving up my life for them, feeling guilty for the life that comes to me from them. This is dark and heavy.

I don't think I've ever loved anyone for real. Death was in the middle the whole time. Up until now, and I don't think it's entirely gone yet. There's still so much grief and pain. I've been feeling like I'm constantly on the verge of crying. I'm overwhelmed and burned out. I can't take in no more.

Yes, the information has been extremely insightful and eye-opening. But it has also torn my heart apart. I've been carrying this mourning sadness. How could I have ever loved anyone? I've been loyal to the dead.

I need some silence. I crave some peace. I can't go on like this.

This is what clicked. I've got to make and hold space for myself to finally feel alive, free of guilt. I am alive because this is the devine plan and I belong here, in this body, in this time, right on this place where I'm standing. But this new feeling of aliveness is exhilarating and I need an anchor or I could also loose my sense of self in it.

That's why I need silence and stillness. That's why I need to stop. That's why I need to empty my mind of all this information I've been consuming, cause it's now consuming me. It's not about getting rid of it, no. I rather need to digest it. It's been sitting raw in my head. With stillness and silence, I intent to finally allow it to come down to my heart and body. 

It's time to start giving all this information space to be processed and embodied. And because of that, today felt like day one, because it suddenly hit me that it was time to stop.

Today is the first day of, once again, a new beginning.

Cheers! 🥂

I can't think of a title, I just want to write about this 🗡️

There's this guy I met like seven months ago, I genuinely decided to talk to him on Instagram just because I thought "hey, he looks like the kind of people I want to be around in this new season in my life. I'm going to become his friend and meet new people through him!” Hahaha now that I think about it, my way of thinking was kind of funny.

Anyway, I don't know how it happened but I ended up liking him. He's been in my mind almost since I started this season of singleness. Yes, we did kiss. Yes, we were super close to having sex. I was the one who said no. Of course, I didn't want to break my own pact when I had just started.

Even though we had a conversation about it and, from the things we said, I totally felt like we were absolutely not compatible at all. So I discarded the whole idea... But my brain couldn't completely let go. It's so weird, I've had many moments of feeling and telling myself that this guy is not for me, yet every time I see him feelings come back to the surface.

I just don't get it. I've been working so actively on healing and balancing my feminine and masculine energies, on grounding myself in my life and reality, on cultivating friendships and meaningful relationships, on getting comfortable with my solitude... And I feel like these feelings are holding me back from fully experiencing this newness. I really want to just not like someone. I want there to be no one I like. I just want to feel like I'm all on my own for the first time in my life and that I'm totally okay with it.

This is the least introspective post I've written so far, but seriously, I needed to get this out of my chest. I don't know how to get him out of my system. We've become friends, but should I just take some distance from him and not see him nor talk to him for a while? Should I tell him all this? Should I just keep it a secret?

The thing is, he's got pretty much everything I'd like a man to have and be to become my partner in life. But I don't think he feels the same way about me... It triggers me a bit, you know? Is this a trap? Is this showing me once more that I choose unavailable guys to fall in love with? Does this mean I got to do more shadow work on why it is that I choose guys that don't want to choose me back?

I'm going to get some family constellations done for this soon. And I'm taking it in as the lesson it surely is. Even though I haven't fully seen what it's teaching me. I am entirely sure this, as everything else, is happening for me. For my highest good. And maybe that's it. Maybe I'll be able to let go once I learn my lesson from this situation.

In the meantime, I keep going.

And for that... Cheers! 🥂