I don't think I've ever loved anyone for real 🧩

Today felt like day one.

It just clicked for me few days ago. My body and my emotional world are thirsty for some decluttering. Just some silence. Some time to listen to what's actually happening inside.

I've been filling up my mind for eight months now. Filling it with so much information. Books, workshops, retreats, YouTube videos, podcasts, Instagram posts and Tiktok videos, reels, even memes... I'm fed up.

Yes, it's true I've learned a lot. Yes, it's all very useful information, but my head is about to explode. Too much of anything can become intoxicating.

I've looked back at the times I thought I was in love, those times I thought I cared about someone else. But I've found myself looking at my dead ones and my unborn right in the eye.

I've been living for them, honoring them, giving up my life for them, feeling guilty for the life that comes to me from them. This is dark and heavy.

I don't think I've ever loved anyone for real. Death was in the middle the whole time. Up until now, and I don't think it's entirely gone yet. There's still so much grief and pain. I've been feeling like I'm constantly on the verge of crying. I'm overwhelmed and burned out. I can't take in no more.

Yes, the information has been extremely insightful and eye-opening. But it has also torn my heart apart. I've been carrying this mourning sadness. How could I have ever loved anyone? I've been loyal to the dead.

I need some silence. I crave some peace. I can't go on like this.

This is what clicked. I've got to make and hold space for myself to finally feel alive, free of guilt. I am alive because this is the devine plan and I belong here, in this body, in this time, right on this place where I'm standing. But this new feeling of aliveness is exhilarating and I need an anchor or I could also loose my sense of self in it.

That's why I need silence and stillness. That's why I need to stop. That's why I need to empty my mind of all this information I've been consuming, cause it's now consuming me. It's not about getting rid of it, no. I rather need to digest it. It's been sitting raw in my head. With stillness and silence, I intent to finally allow it to come down to my heart and body. 

It's time to start giving all this information space to be processed and embodied. And because of that, today felt like day one, because it suddenly hit me that it was time to stop.

Today is the first day of, once again, a new beginning.

Cheers! 🥂