lunes, 8 de febrero de 2016
You know what? I've been thinking about you lately, and guess what I've been thinking about...our relationship, yes, bravo! As you may know, I have a new boyfriend now, and my relationship with him reminds me of my relationship with you, it's so freaking weird. He reminds me of me when I was with you, and I remind me of you (if that makes any sense).He's sooo like me three or four years ago, he makes the same things I used to do and has sooo many similar attitudes. Over and over again I find myself wanting to do to him what you did to me: shut him out, don't call him, ignore his messages, etc. But I don't do it, instead of that, I talk to him, I tell him how I feel about what he's doing/saying/whatever, and he understands, he tries, and that's beautiful. I wish you had done that with me. I hope you don't do that anymore. I've been thinking, yes, because I'm trying to be kind. Oh, you remember that night at Cherry's home? At the Halloween party? Yes? Do you? Ok. Fine. I remember it too. I remember you sitting on the old sofa, Cherry at your right, me at your left, pipe in your mouth. You were feeling so cool, oh, so nice, with your new pipe. Everyone was admiring it and telling you how nice it was, including your ex-girlfriend. She was so close to you, even more than me, and she asked you if you would let her try your pipe out. Of course you would, of course you did. She smoked cigarettes constantly anyway, so what was the matter? Right? But when I asked you the same thing, ooooh, you wouldn't let me. It was kind of a test, I guess. You didn't know that I smoked pot normally, and that I had my own pipe (not as posh as yours, obviously) and that I smoked tobacco just like you. I mean, those things were not a big deal for me, I even had friends for that, it wasn't always Isabella and Marcela who I was with. I had a friend who was a DJ at the Convulxion Parties, and he invited me there... Anyway, I wanted to know how you looked at me. I mean, the other girls you had been with before, they were so... (how could I say that?) "grown-up" maybe (?) They had done so many 'mean' things, they could walk the streets alone at night, they were so hot. And I, well, I... I had to deal with the innocentlittlegirl face I've always had. You were deceived by it. You always tried to keep me away from the 'bad' things. Why? Because I was this little kid who knew nothing? You didn't want to corrupt me or something like that? Oh, if it was it, it was such not a kind way to do it. I'm trying to be kind. Even if I still don't know what kindness is. I wouldn't say I've changed since you left me, but I've learned. I feel that I will discover kindness the day I'm able to forgive you and to forgive myself. I haven't been able, I have such a horrible nature for taking revenge. I always remember how you tell me you didn't want to know anything about me again. I took it seriously. So I won't let you know anything about me, unless I forgive. I'm trying to forgive.