20. Dec. 2025
I'm afraid if he knows I like him he will pull away, things will get awkward and he'll reject me.
I'm afraid that if I'm vulnerable, he'll hurt me.
I'm afraid to tell him how I feel and that he'll either not say anything back or tell me he feels different about me.
It's safer to just assume he doesn't like me.
He doesn't like me.
He doesn't like me.
He doesn't like me.
21. Dec. 2025
My mood cannot depend on a guy's attention towards me.
Is he actually hard to read or am I seeing things where there's nothing to see?
I don't feel comfortable being physically intimate with someone who is not my partner.
11:42 pm
I'm FUCKED! I think I really like him...
22. Dec. 2025
I just don't want to feel ridiculous.
But he's so sweet, it makes me feel like he likes me.
Ok but what if he does all that with other girl-friends as well? What if I'm not the only one he's all touchy with?
I don't think he likes me...
I feel stupid.
23. Dec. 2025
I get it. He doesn't have time for me, neither does he invest his money in me. I should not like him. I must not like him.
24. Dec. 2025
It was all me. I was the one who put expectations on him when I barely know him. It was my fault, for letting my brain have way too much fun with an illusion. And maybe I need some boundaries here.
1:40 pm
Even if I say I won't wait for anything anymore, I still do. Crazy huh? He's probably just having a good time, not even thinking of me or remembering my existence and here I am, obsessively thinking about him and growing resentful of him... for absolutely no reason... He's not even an old friend or a boyfriend, he doesn't owe me anything! When and why did I create such a mess in my own head, Gawd!!! I'm exhausted!!!! It's always me and it has always been me!!! I'm the one who creates these hurtful realities for myself... I should stop, right now!
25. Dec. 2025
What if I could just see him as someone who came into my life to show me my messiness? The embarrassment I feel when he comes to my place and it's soooo messy, reflecting how bad I need to take it seriously to be neat and clean and organized...
Or in general to reflect things... And can I stay open to that reflection without expectations?
This is the very first time I feel like a man is genuinely curious about me and wants to ask questions and have interesting conversations and share his world and mind with me... What if I can just take it for what it is? And just enjoy it...
Who cares if we don't end up together or whatever! What if I just keep it very grounded and very human? What if I can bond with him like that, without expectations? Just with presence and an open heart. Trusting that whatever happens will be a blessing...
31. Dec. 2025
We kissed.
02 Jan. 2026
So... We kissed on December 31st at like 12:45 am... What a way to start the last day of the year huh? Im still processing it. It was the most beautiful, gentle, perfect kiss ever. It was better than anything I could have ever imagined or hoped for.
He held me close and steady. He caressed me, my back, my neck, my hair... He kissed me on my head first while hugging me for what felt like an eternity. He said "I'm glad we started talking this year". Held my face with both hands, we breathed together, we touched our faces gently and then, very slowly, he put his lips on mine in the sweetest way.
I shed a tear or two, I was scared thinking "oh fuck, now I'll have to tell him my deepest fears and traumas. I'm done for." He noticed, he hugged me tight again and asked "how are you?" I said "I'm scared... you?", "I feel calm. I'm feeling a lot of things." So I added "I'm calm too, calm and scared". Then we looked into each other's eyes, he smiled and kissed me again.
He then asked if I wanted to lay in bed for a bit with him. We kept our bodies together while making our way to the bed. We laid there next to each other, facing each other, we kissed again. My eyelids were heavy, but every time I opened my eyes to look at him, he had a smile on his face, it was so cute. I could finally see his pupils dilated.
With my eyes closed, I whispered "I think I like you". He said "I've also been feeling things." "Today?" I asked. "No." "Yesterday?" "No." "The day before yesterday?" "Since we started talking," he finally confessed.
I honestly can't tell when was the moment when we started talking. So I'm not sure when was the moment he meant. I was too tired to think further so I didn't ask.
We kissed again. He said he had to wake up early in the morning, and that if it wasn't for that, he would have gladly stayed there with me for hours. I had to wake up early too. So I called an Uber.
When I got out of bed, went to reach for my stuff in the kitchen, suddenly he hugged me from the back, put his arms around me, his chin on my shoulder. He wished me a happy new year, and hoped I spent a good time with my parents. I put my hands on his, intertwined our fingers and said "I'm happy we aligned this year as well. I didn't know how it happened, but it happened." To which he replied "well talk more about that, I'm also called to do it".
He walked me down, we said goodbye, hugged again, and when I was about to let go of his hand to leave... I hesitated... Turned back and gave him one last kiss
14. Jan. 2026
It's been 15 days since the last time we saw each other, since we kissed. That kiss really stirred up something in me, so many fears. He's been gone, we've kept communication and all, but he's not coming back... He said he would come back today... But I'm not sure he did. I don't know where he is or when we'll meet again.
He hasn't become cold or anything, but he hasn't directly said that he wants to see me... I'm not sure he feels excited or is planning to make time for me... He did ask me to let him know if I was free one of these days evening... Nothing else...
I'm starting to feel confused and like he doesn't have time or is not willing to make time for me in his life. And maybe it's true and maybe that doesn't make him a bad guy, maybe he's just too loyal to his dad and his job... And that's it.
Anyway... I'm starting to feel like I should just let him go...
Every time I think about that kiss, and the things he said that night, I get all excited, I start daydreaming and hoping this will be it, that he'll be the one for me...
And I'm also so used to it never being me, things like that not happening for me, etc... that I start to also catastrophize every possible outcome. Getting ready for the worst to happen and all that...
I can't discern between reality and seeing through my trauma. It's kind of frustrating. And I do want to get through it, I want to give myself a chance... I'm just so scared I'm making the same mistakes, ignoring the same red flags again, putting myself in a bad situation again...
He is not very verbally expressive and he hasn't taken me out or spent any money on me on dates... Just our first coffee, that's all. Is that a red flag? Why wouldn't he spend some money on taking me out if he's interested in me?
Whatever. It is what it is. I'll start detaching. I don't know anything at all. I'll just leave it to God.
15. Jan. 2026
He wants to meet on Saturday... I think he's going to reject me. He'll probably say that he's still got feelings for someone else or that his schedule is too tight right now with work and his dad... Let's get ready for the crash.
20. Jan. 2026
Well, we didn't crash but we didn't clarify anything either. We had a good time, we kissed again, we danced and we spent the night together, woke up together, cuddled and kissed some more.
It was all so sweet. So why am I still feeling this anxiety? I know. It's because nothing is clear. I wonder if this is a sense of rush just because I'm reacting from awakened old wounds... or if it makes sense? But while writing this I'm noticing that by thinking the first, I'm kind of dismissing what I feel and what could be a boundary or a non-negotiable need.
I think I'm too scared. Scared of putting my needs into words and speaking up for myself. So it's still the same behavior from me. Makes me feel annoyed at myself.
That's also why I think either way I need to speak with him and just tell him everything. If he runs away, if he says he's not ready, if he shuts down... that's also an answer. One I already know too well. I'm kind of sad picturing that being the case... but whatever.
I need to remember that everything is being held by God. I'm in good hands and whatever happens will be for my own good and it's God's plan. So I'll let it be.
23. Jan. 2026
Well. I did it. I spoke up for myself. I set boundaries.
I guess we're done. I mean, we're done. Because he wasn't able to give me any clear answers at all. He said so many things and it all made sense. But he was not answering my questions. And he was not telling me anything that sounded intentional. So... if something leaves me guessing, it's a NO.
I'm proud of myself for being able to do this. Not shrinking, not chasing validation or being chosen anymore, just standing up for myself. And letting go.
It feels peaceful. Letting go knowing that it's the right thing, knowing that God's got my back. There's nothing to regret. I allow myself to be sad while I grieve. I got excited, I thought this was God's gift for me. And, in a certain way, it was. I got a chance to exercise new skills and do things differently. This time it truly felt different.
And God will send me the real thing at some point. I'm sure of that. God is preparing me for it. So I'll surrender and I'll keep trying my best to live in love.
24. Jan. 2026
I'm still waiting for something. Maybe I'm still a bit weak on that. Waiting for a message from him or a call, a sign that he'll choose me or somewhat change his mind. I rationally know that's absurd, and that there's no remedy to the situation. But my heart is still hoping for a turn of events. I try to hold my longing with presence and patience. I put my faith in God, I feel and trust he has something better for me. I surrender to his will. That brings me peace, even if I can't see through it right now.
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