I feel so stupid. I really want to avoid getting anxious again about a relationship. The pull is so strong, it's so hard.
But what I'm seeing the most happening within, is that I'm so deeply scared of the Real Thing. And I don't even know if this is it... We've seen each other twice! But we talked on the phone for almost an hour, it just flows with him... Everything, conversation, dancing, jokes...
I'm getting really scared to the thought off this maybe - just maybe - being it.
I'm developing feelings for him. I really want him to kiss me and hug me. But I don't want to let that happen at the same time. I feel afraid if we do go down that road, I'll end up emotionally attached to him too soon, too quickly...
What comes after a kiss? I'm so used to things developing so quickly with guys, and it always ending in easy sex and then nothing, just a deep dark void in my chest, feeling used, "I'm not ready", "I'm not looking for anything serious", "you're too good for me", "you deserve something better"...
Will it turn out to be like that with him too if I let it happen? I'm also getting ahead of the situation. He hasn't tried anything. It's all in my imagination. Why the hell do I believe he's going to want to kiss me next time?
I'm afraid to love. I'm afraid of telling him about my fears, about how much I overthinking everything, about how I don't believe something so good could be true for me, about how I don't feel worthy of such a beautiful thing and how my mind is trying to make him the bad guy before he can even make a move.
And I just freeze.
My only hope is, once more, to live things to God. I don't know what is going to happen next, I don't know how he feels about this and us, I don't know what he wants.
I feel such a rush within me to know, like right now... what he wants. But truly, there's no rush. I don't need to do anything right now.
I'm afraid if I start showing more interest in him, he'll pull away. And I'd be left alone and feeling stupid...
I'm afraid I'm not good enough... I'm afraid he'll see through my cracks and he won't like my wounds...
So that's that. Just needed to take that off of my chest
No cheers tonight I guess...
