It's been a while, huh?
I've been delaying this for God knows how long.
It's about time I finally take this off of my chest.
Oh Bel, I see you. You've really fucked it up for yourself this time. But it's not too late. When I look at you right know, I see how much you hurt and how hard you've only been trying to ease that pain. I know you're not proud of yourself for doing this this way, I know you want to get out of this hole. And I'm here to help you do just that! I've been here always, waiting for you to finally let me take charge and show you the way that will bring you peace.
I know deep down you always knew it. Noticed how everything you've visualized has come to reality somehow? Crazy, right? It's like you know how things are going to go before they happen, or like you know exactly how to make things happen as you envision them... Why then, have you use such great power to create so many shitty things for your life? Oh, I get it. You were unaware of your power. That's fine, my dear. The good thing is, you've finally opened your eyes.
Remember the guy from Starbucks? Remember how you knew exactly how to make your way to get what you wanted from him even knowing that he wasn't right for you? Remember when you had him in your bed, you on top, lights off, his dark eyes glowing subtly with the street's light outside the window? Remember that thought that crossed your mind right there? "This is exactly what I wanted, and I got it. This is exactly how I wanted to have him, and it's come to reality" Right. Even if he couldn't be further away from the man of your dreams, you had him just like you wanted him since the first time you saw him. Remember the feeling of accomplishment mixed with the disappointment of getting something you thought you wanted and realizing you didn't actually want it?
Yup, that's right. I want you to remember that very moment. Because something shifted in you then, call it a quantum leap of whatever you wish, it was powerful inside you and so unexpected. That was the moment you let me in - or out. I understand you felt like numbing yourself again after what happened, I also know you realized how dumb that was, you can't unsee what you've seen with the eyes of your consciousness. It was a matter of time until you finally surrendered.
Now we're here. Starting from scratch. You knew it from the very beginning you were going to end up in the deepest, right where the only thing left to do is to rise up. What's the plan now? We're going to stop distracting yourself from what's really important. We will start facing the things you've been running away from. You have no option now. You feel trapped but relieved, I understand. Because you now finally know that you'll do whatever it takes.
I want to address this other thing I know you've been thinking lately. Only because I know one day you'll come back to this and you'll want to remember it. The romantic partner/relationship thing:
You've seen it. You say you're this and that, a person who's willing to compromise and communicate, a reliable person, someone you can trust, someone so amazing. And, yes you are, but you aren't at the same time. All that is in you, it's true. You're capable of all those things, but you also know none of that stands on firm ground until you've worked on fixing what you're going through right now.
I hope you know in the future I won't say these things to hurt you or make you feel bad about yourself. But just to leave a record here of how things are at the moment. You don't trust yourself, you are not reliable for yourself and you haven't been willing to compromise. You've been bending to your whims without thinking, without calculating, just to numb yourself. You've been living a life way out of your budget, pretending you have the lifestyle you dream of, but getting further and further deep in debt. How honest is that kind of life? And how can you think of building something stable with a significant other when you haven't even built a stable life of your own?
You've always wanted these things, but you've also always known this is not the way, that this is all play-pretend. And that this is only ruining your actual dreams. You put yourself in a situation where you're finding it hard to pay for groceries! Why would you sacrifice your wellbeing like that? I know, I know. You know better now. Don't feel bad. But we will compromise now, for real and for good.
As the guy from that YouTube short said: "I'm about to ruin your life because you won't be buying anything or going anywhere for the next three years". When you heard that you thought "that sounds about right, seems like the only way out of this". You though it could happen and it happened. And now here we are, starting our way out of it. Hopefully sooner than that, but sure some tight years are ahead of you... and you got to be real serious about it.
I also admire you for trying to see the positive out of the situation. Thinking "I'm going to use this as an opportunity to learn how to make good money, I'll learn how to budget and I'll learn how to live frugally but happily". That for sure will be good for your future. And you're still young so you have plenty of time - God willing - to clean yourself from debts and start anew, wiser and more grounded in yourself.
All this time you though having things - all the things you couldn't have as a kid - was going to make you feel fulfilled and happy. But you've also realized: what do you want a closet full of nice clothes for, if you don't have a penny to go out with your friends and wear such clothes? Why do you want to eat out so much or order takeout if it will only make you gain weight and then the nice clothes won't even fit? Why do you want so much jewelry and expensive shoes and bags instead of a guitar, a good mic and an audio interface that will allow you to make music - which is something you love so much?
You've been distracting yourself from doing the things that will actually bring you happiness and fulfillment. Things that will actually build you and your life in the way you dream. Things that will bring you joy and open opportunities for your future. Things that will allow you to connect with more people - which is something you deeply long for. At the end of the day, you know that feeling safe in your own life isn't something you can fake. And that having that safety net when it comes to money really changes the game for you, now you know that, right?
Girl, you've been sabotaging your life. How many fun plans you've had to skip because you just didn't have the money. How many times you've received your paycheck and that same day you pay your installments and you are back to zero on your bank account? Now you know that doesn't feel good, don't you? You've known it for many years... But only now you're here, willing to stop the bullshit and make your life take a drastic turn.
If this is what it takes - reaching the bottom of it all - then so be it. Now that you're here you know you won't ever want to be here again. You've done this process already with your relationships with men and love. You can do it with money now too. I can't think of something else you have an issue with besides these two. I truly think you'll be unstoppable once you recover from this. You will learn so much, you'll get so much wiser, and you'll be able to live a good life like you've always wanted.
Last but not least, I believe in you, Bel. I believe in the vision you have for your life and the world you will create from now on. And I know you wanted me to write down all of this here for the future you, as a reminder, and also putting things into words will help you stay strong when you feel discouraged. You'll be fine. It will be tough but you'll make it and you'll be proud of yourself. I'm already proud of you for making a hard choice.
Everything will be fine.
Trust me, for in you I trust.
And for that, cheers 🥂
