What started as an impulsive survival instinct decision, I ended up actually really liking, so I decided not so long ago that I want to keep living my life as an ongoing experiment.
It was supposed to last a year, and it did last a good ten months with the original rules I set for it. I feel proud of myself, I'm very pleased with the results this experience yielded.
Now the experiment has changed a bit, unexpectedly, and I'm excited about what I've been and will keep learning through this process.
I could say something really cheesy like, if my life is an experiment, then the world is my lab. But nah, I'll say the world is my playground. The adult me is the one performing the experiment, my cute little chubby inner child is the one who I'm monitoring while she plays in this world as if it was a playground. And I freaking love it like that.
She's been happy lately, cause she feels more and more seen and heard and tended to every time. It feels good for me to take good care of her. It's really amazing to look back and see how much I've learned and changed in only ten months. It felt like it would take an eternity at the beginning and it feels like such a short time now.
Sometimes I wonder if every single one of these posts is just a hotchpotch of random declarations and thoughts and if they will ever make sense if I read them in the future.... let's say in another decade or so. But I'm afraid to give many details... just in case, you know? What if I die and someone goes through my phone and finds these posts? Hahaha it doesn't really matter, I would have been dead already, right?
Anyway, the new approach! Yes! Everything that happens to me and every new journey I want to set out on, I now see as part of The Experiment. It's a very refreshing certainty of "everything belongs", "everything is perfect" and "it all happens for me".
For sure, I get to call the shots in this experiment. At the end of the day, it's MY experiment. Part of why I call it an experiment is precisely because it's intentional, I set goals for certain discoveries I'd like to make and particular topics I'd like to do more research on. But always keeping in mind this quote from Wayne Dyer: "be open to everything and attached to nothing".
Lately I've been sharing myself with someone again. It's been nice, it was tough at first and comforting later. But soon I discovered myself in front of a similar maze, very familiar. I've been trying to take things slow since I really want to discern if this is a trap or a challenge. It's funny how all things you learn only make sense if you actually get to put them into practice. I've been feeling a bit scared and confused, but it's been magical to be able to sit with it all, witness it and finally get to feel in my body what it means to trust my gut, what it means to regulate my nervous system and listen to what boundaries my needs need me to set.
It's the very beginning, that magical phase when it's oh so easy to fall for the wrong things. But I've been here many times now. Different face but same experience. I feel grateful I now have the tools to navigate it differently.
I think sometimes we gaslight ourselves into believing things that aren't exactly true, and we set ourselves up for "failure", so to speak. As an example, I knew from the very beginning that this particular someone had just gone through a breakup. I felt drawn to him since that first conversation, as he opened up to me and let's not lie here, vulnerability is fucking sexy. But every time I felt tempted, I heard this calm voice in my chest telling me "there's nothing for you to do there, don't come in the way of his process, it's not your place". I told myself "just don't go there". And still, the moment he wanted to kiss me, I decided to fall for it.
And here's where I found myself at the entrance of the familiar maze, I didn't listen to my intuition at first but here, I had to. The signs started to get loud. As I said in my previous post, I can't unsee what I have seen. It would have been reckless of me to pretend -once again- that I wasn't seeing the signs. Thanks to The Experiment, I've become wiser. And in the stillness and comfort of my solitude, in my own company, I achieved a higher sense of discernment. There's no way back for me. I can see the maze clearly now. And I don't want to go there again.
Should I go, or should I stay? I still get dysregulated, of course, I still get overwhelmed and can't see clearly in these situations. All I'm trying to do is stay grounded and practice what I've been learning. Practicing how to regulate my nervous system. Taking the actions written in the new blueprint of my system to engrave them deeper in it.
I can't allow myself to stay, not like this. He's not at all a bad man and I know he doesn't want to consciously hurt me. On the contrary, I can see through his pain that his heart is very kind and good. But right now, he's mentally and emotionally in a heavy place. So, I got a very uneasy feeling in my gut when he shut down emotionally. "I've been here", were my thoughts, "and I don't want to do this again". I sensed the sudden distance, the awkward silence.
"What's my body trying to tell me? What do I need in this very moment to ground myself back in my sense of self?" I got dizzy for a bit. Then things got very clear. "I don't want this".
And that's where I'm at. Gathering the courage to set strong and clear boundaries for the first time in my life. It's very uncomfortable, but bring it in baby! I welcome the challenge, I can feel the universe gazing over me, waiting to see my next move. And when I put things into perspective, when I remain open to everything and attached to nothing, that's when I can access my inner wisdom and I can hear my inner child asking me to please don't abandon her again. I won't. I'm watching over the playground, making sure it's safe for her to play.
I know, I'm a little witchy. I get flashes and downloads of information here and there. "What I need to know is revealed to me".
I can't put up with emotional unavailability again. I won't be put in a place that's not mine to occupy. I won't fill the gap someone else left. I won't chase a feeling, I won't be used to get a feeling. I won't give away validation and trade it for attention. I no longer need it. I've become comfortable with not having it and I only long for it if it's authentic and genuine and if it's directed toward me because of me.
So I need to voice my standards. There's nothing for me to lose even if my abandonment wound gets triggered. Rejection is redirection. I need to do things differently here so my experiment can yield some different results. I want to feel in my body what it's like to walk away from something I know is not healthy for me.
There's no black and white here. There's no good or bad. There's only love. I feel compassion and kindness toward him and myself; and for what we had, even if it was short, only gratitude. I understand now, no internal process can be rushed and it's not my task to "fix" others. I can only let them be.
I long to experience deeper, more connected and present sex with another as well. And I know it's only possible if there's emotional intimacy, if two get to know each other, if there's curiosity. And I know superficial sex ends up being nothing but a distraction. It no longer resonates with me, as delicious as it may be with him. I long for depth and connection. It's my deepest heart's desire to have meaningful conversations and a loving caring bond with someone. Someone on the same page. Someone who wants to try as much as I do.
I have no clue what may happen. I just know right now some boundaries need to be set, at least on my end. A hard conversation needs to be had and I can see death coming. Something needs to die here. Something beautiful awaits on the other side. A better playground for my little inner one perhaps.
And still, I have to keep in mind that love is always the answer, love is all that remains after you peel all the layers of your ego. So, I want to remember to always stay kind and loving no matter what.
In the meantime, cheers 🥂
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