Here I am, once again.
I wrote this post originally more than a week ago, but somehow I managed to mess it up and it was all gone. Now I think maybe it was meant to happen. It did serve at the moment as an emotional release, but my thoughts are somewhere else now, somewhere more steady.
So, let's try again, shall we?
It's been ten months now since I began this journey. Looking back, I remember myself standing there, in the middle of nowhere, in the shadows, feeling all weak, tiny and insignificant. And I can't help but be in awe by the long way I've come. It all felt so heavy back then, impossible even. Ahead of me layed a ginormous thick dark forest. I was so scared yet I knew, deep in my bones, that the only way out was through.
I couldn't picture how to make it through, I couldn't even fathom... how did I even get here to begin with? How was I supposed to gather the courage to take the first step when I was feeling so defeated? There was only an absolute darkness, I could see no light. There was only a longing in my heart, the warmth of a dream, a dream of better days.
I'll save the details as I've probably already shared them in other posts, but anyone who's been through several dark nights of the soul, anyone who has gone through the death of ego, will back me up on this one: it's fucking painful! It burns you down to hell and it brings you back completely reborn. All you can do is surrender.
And surrendering is the most scary thing a human can do. It's also the most loving.
When I started this experiment, I had no idea where I was headed, all I knew was I had hit the lowest low, I had become stagnant and I couldn't stand it anymore, so I had to either start moving forward, somewhere, anywhere... or die right there. Dying seemed indeed very tempting, but I've always had such a strong will to live, so the last I did not consider.
And the more I walked through that forest, the more I felt the pain of my wounds being reopened, the burning flesh of my emotional body completely exposed, the fire of truth tearing me apart, forging me from within quite literally.
There's no undo for what I've built within now. There's no way no unsee what has been seen. Once you know, you know.
I had to learn the hard way that I can only feel loved by the universe by surrendering to it. When I was in pain the most, when I felt entirely lost, I could only start to see a new light once I surrendered. It was the most loving and embracing light. It was this one certainty amidst chaos. The only truth. Love.
Love got me out of that forest, but I know, I would have been trapped in my forest of suffering for an eternity if I would have hold on to my ego. Letting go is such a loving skill to learn in life. It's a constant practice.
The memory of this love comes in waves. Sometimes I still forget. However, every time now something hurts, it's a reminder of that sacred pain I underwent. I may still get attached a bit, my ego may still fall in traps from time to time, and the universe keeps sending me more. It's like a game. A loving game. The loving way the universe reminds me what I'm made of, that I was forged by it's love itself.
Uncertainty is fucking scary, and it's a life's constant. When facing uncertainty, the answer is always love.
What's the most loving thing to do? Where's love to be found in this situation? What's love showing me here? The others are intrinsically made out of the same love that forged me. How can I see love in them even when it pains my ego? Dismantle the stories, what remains is only love.
That's that for now.
Cheers! 🥂
