I'm exhausted.
There's this thought that hunts my mind every single fucking day and, I must admit, I hate it. I know, I know... "what you resist, persists". I do think about it, I do try so fucking hard not to resist it, which is funny because by trying hard not to resist it, I'm resisting it even harder aaAghhhh FUCK!!!
I just need to get it off my chest, please... Cause when I allow myself to be vulnerable about it I can't help but cry. I sometimes wish there was someone who would listen to me and get me, just someone who gets me, you know? I long for this thing that feels so foreign and familiar at the same time, it seems so close and so distant, so possible and so utopic all together. This longing makes my heart hurt sometimes and I wonder: "is this even a healthy longing to have?"
Why is it that my heart sinks when I think about it? Is it my wounded inner little sweet girl who is so afraid to believe and be fearless again? Is she holding on to old pain? Is she afraid to fully let go and hold my hand and finally bring me back to my deepest, truest self?
Maybe I'm being too ambiguous here. So, here's some context for the future me reading this: This is about a lonely path I'm in right now. This is about finding out about relational patterns, and realizing how intoxicated my brain is. This is about a choice I made exactly three months ago. This is about a goal that feels like the biggest thing I've ever set my mind to in my entire life. Remember when I said I had decided to live life as an ongoing experiment? Well, it's about that too.
Only three months ago this thought began to dawn on me that I haven't been single for like the past eight years. So, I get it, I gotta be compassionate with myself, since choosing to stay single no matter what might be extremely uncomfortable for my brain at the beginning. But, ugh, God I was not expecting so many roaches to come crawling so disgustingly out of the shadows!
Can I get like super fucking raw here with you? Oh, absolutely. The amount of compulsive thoughts, behaviors, cravings and such that I've been facing, has been terrifying. I don't regret my decision. I still think it's the best thing I've done in a long time and it's only been three months, I wonder how much more I would have seen and worked on when one full year had gone by, maybe I'll even be up for another year then. But wait, I don't want to get too far ahead in my head. This is about the present moment.
There's this voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough, not interesting enough, not wealthy enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not healthy enough... not lovable enough... And already too old to find "my person". This same voice tells me that he would be too good, too smart, too sexy, too kind, too much to ever set eyes on me. All in all, I know good men exist in this world, but somehow this voice manages to convince me that I'm not destined to find one to build a life with.
And then there's this other voice that tells me that I've been working so much on myself, that I am a rare beautiful treasure of a woman, that I'm so freaking deep and magical and powerful. And no, it does not come from that "empowered" women bullshit speech I'm so fed up with. I truly believe it. I've come so far, I've died so many times, I've burnt through suffering and pain for so long, and I've seen the beauty of it and the darkness of it, and I've been afraid of it and I've been thankful for it. And I know, deep in my bones that I'm meant to be this woman I'm becoming. And I know I'm not meant to meet a man right now. He's probably on his way of becoming the warrior he's meant to be as well, he's probably on his own journey. And maybe he's thinking of me, a woman he hasn't yet met but he longs for...
Or maybe these are all childish fairytales in my imagination and I just want to quit it all. Cause I'm fucking tired of daydreaming. I'm missing out on the real day-to-day life. And maybe this is all just my intoxicated brain still thinking that this life's greatest joy and achievement is to find a man wise and mature enough to build something sacred and long-lasting with. I mean... it still sounds beautiful, but I wanna quit. I quit.
My goal with this experiment is to reach a point where there's finally a day in my life free of such thoughts. Free of daydreaming about this man that is "the one", the "love of my life", or whatever. It's a fucking energy leak and I truly just want it to stop. I am aware that I need that energy for other things, things that will build me a life I feel safer living. That's what I know truly matters now. I made this choice for little Bel. She needs me now more than ever. I want her to trust in me again. I want to build a soft and safe place for her to come out and play and express herself in the most authentic ways. I want her to help me find my way back home. I want her to know I won't let anyone hurt her ever again and that I'm here for her, always.
That being said, I quit.
And I was thinking the other day, as I was walking back home and it was pouring rain and it was pretty sad like a scene from a kdrama, that maybe this quitting process is not an instant thing. Maybe it's a decision I ought to keep making day by day, cause my brain will try and bring me back to old thoughts and old patterns, cause it feels familiar and safe and I get it.
Maybe, I need to grieve over the death of this idea that has lived in my head for such a long time. At the end of the day, I am indeed letting go of something that has been so big and important. I'm letting it die inside me, and I can feel the void it's leaving in me. And I can allow myself to grieve. And as I grieve, I keep making this choice every day. I quit again and again, one day at a time. Until it becomes the new familiar thing and I won't have to purposely think about it but I will have quit, slowly but surely.
Anyways. I quit.
So, cheers! 🥂
