The more I think about, the more sense it makes in my head and heart.
I don't understand why I haven't been more radical in the past. Was it because I never had a dad who protected me as his precious daughter? Was it because my mother despised me and though I was stupid?
So many things hurt right now, I'm facing so many wounds and it's honestly overwhelming. I've been going to therapy, I've been trying to tell some truths, set boundaries as best as I can, express my desires and trust in God's will.
It's been tough. I've been crumbling under the weight of it all... I haven't fully surrendered to it and, honestly, I don't even know if I should or how to do it.
My friend Annie says "be radical", it's a new thing for me. I'm always giving people chances, always forgiving... always... "agreeable"...? Agreeable was what Luke called me when he finally broke up with me. Am I repeating a pattern?
Why is it I have been feeling for so long that I should end things with J? I've been wondering: is it my intuition telling me this ain't a good thing for me? or is it my trauma and fear telling me to run away from something good?
But now I think, if it was something good, wouldn't I feel held and supported even while feeling scared? Then why do I feel so much fear and like there's no safe space to express and share it, like he's just going to let go of my hand? Like when I hold his hand and he doesn't hold my hand back... but internally and energetically.
Maybe my soul knows being radical is indeed the answer. Maybe I should stop thinking in "maybe's" and start looking at facts:
The fact that he wanted to have sex with me so quickly at the beginning.
The fact that he wasn't able to use his words to tell me that he likes me.
The fact that he wonder's if I'm "the one" (for God's sake, not that again aaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!)
The fact that he told his sister and father about me...?
And the fact that I can't think of any other positive facts to counteract the other ones.
Deep in my heart I feel hurt that he hasn't felt any clarity so far about whether he wants something serious with me or not. "Whatever is going on between us, I think it's something good"
"Whatever is going on between us"? He can't put a name on it? That doesn't sit well with me... Maybe the answer is, once again, being radical. Anything that is not a yes, is a no.
I think I'll need to become a mean radical woman, that way I'll filter and get rid of all those who won't take me seriously. Either way, I don't want people like that in my life. I mean, I have my wounds and my traumas and my shadow, but I'm owning it and I'm willing to open my heart and dive deep and built something loving and caring and stable with someone... But not with someone who can't choose me back, like wtf? So if the other person can't own their shit, I'm not staying.
Those feelings of anxiety, heaviness and uncertainty are familiar things for me, but I had promised myself that I was not going to put myself in a situation like that ever again.
He already experienced that feeling of deeply desiring to choose someone for something serious before, a year ago, and even if it didn't work for him, it means he is indeed able to feel like choosing someone. He didn't want to have sex with her even though she got naked in front of him only because he wanted something serious with her, so there was respect toward her and the timing of things. But he wanted to fuck me so quickly? That says a lot, I think.
A "maybe" is a NO.
An "I don't know", is a NO.
An "I have to think about it", is a NO.
I don't want to be anyone's option B, C or D.
I don't want to be anyone's "maybe".
I told him that last time we spoke in person. That I don't want to be an "in the meantime" for anyone.
And I don't want to live my life waiting for others to choose me o make a decision for me. And I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a man in my life who actually chose me and was sure he wants to be with me. Even if I had fears and wanted out, I think he would hold my hand and give reasons to stay. And that's not what I'm feeling with J. I'm not feeling chosen or held.
So that's why being radical is the only answer that makes sense now.
The fact that he said yes to having an expiration date... means he's not feeling a YES about being with me. Someone who was sure about being with me wouldn't have taken that chance. They would have said something like "what's wrong with you? I want to be with you, I don't want to end things with you".
What I ought to do is choose myself, make my own decisions before anyone makes them for me. All that uncomfortable unsteadiness I felt within me, it was because I was not making a choice. It makes no sense to sit and wait for someone to come and give me reassurance or certainty. I can give those things to myself. I can make a choice. And I can keep it and fucking own it.
I don't care anymore. I cannot make space in my life for someone who cannot and will not make space for me in theirs. Even if the cuddles and kisses and laughs feel good, it doesn't matter... All those things loose meaning and stop being enjoyable when there's no purpose.
So if I broke up with him once, I can break up with him twice. And I will be okay. Also, he knows I've been thinking about ending things multiple times. So he's aware. So, the more I think about it, the more it seems like being radical is the only way.
Here's for clarity and radicality, cheers 🥂
