Being back 🌱

I've been thinking a lot lately... about... like... what am I doing? I mean, like... WHAT. AM. I. DOING? Seriously, I feel so lost it's overwhelming. I've got this weird sense of energy leaking and not even knowing where it's going is making me have a really hard time directing it.

I've been working on making peace with uncertainty, with facing the unknown, and on emptying myself more and more in order to allow new information in. It's kinda funny to see things unravel and life trips me up over and over. I can't help but laugh at myself when I catch myself falling into the same behaviors and patterns, but I've observed them and studied them for so long now, that even if I tip over the same pile of shit... it's just so fucking hilarious.

Anyways, what am I doing? I feel like I want to enjoy the "not knowing" part of it but I self-sabotage the experience. I told myself this was gonna be a season of not doing, not expecting, and just embracing the spaciousness of my existing (yes, not existence but existing) without the hustle. And yet, I've found myself saying yes to things and filling up my time and space with things that I didn't want or even need. No doubt I feel breathless again then, and just burnt out.

I come from years and years of unconsciously practicing these patterns I want to detox from, and I know, deep down, this is what I need: to just pause for a while, switch to slow living as much as possible and ground myself here and now. I've felt it before and that's why I know this, to continuously stop and come back to my body, to fully and wholeheartedly open everything in me to feel, feeeeeel, that's it. Feeling. Stop trying to process every emotion and experience with the mind. It's not its purpose. And for how many years I didn't allow myself to feel? Gosh!

Now that I'm finally unpacking all this backlog of repressed and unprocessed emotions and old pains, I just feel it more than ever, deep in my bones, that I crave this silence, this stillness. So I gotta stop robbing myself of it. I don't need to know the why, I don't need to understand, I just need to listen to my heart's calling and fucking feel with every cell in my body and sweat it all out, cry it all out, scream it all out... or type it all out in whatever way my body feels like it.

So yeah, that's the update. I'll try to post here more often, ya know, for my future self.

Until next time,

cheers! 🥂