This is my playground, so I get to call the shots 🎭

What started as an impulsive survival instinct decision, I ended up actually really liking, so I decided not so long ago that I want to keep living my life as an ongoing experiment.

It was supposed to last a year, and it did last a good ten months with the original rules I set for it. I feel proud of myself, I'm very pleased with the results this experience yielded.

Now the experiment has changed a bit, unexpectedly, and I'm excited about what I've been and will keep learning through this process.

I could say something really cheesy like, if my life is an experiment, then the world is my lab. But nah, I'll say the world is my playground. The adult me is the one performing the experiment, my cute little chubby inner child is the one who I'm monitoring while she plays in this world as if it was a playground. And I freaking love it like that.

She's been happy lately, cause she feels more and more seen and heard and tended to every time. It feels good for me to take good care of her. It's really amazing to look back and see how much I've learned and changed in only ten months. It felt like it would take an eternity at the beginning and it feels like such a short time now.

Sometimes I wonder if every single one of these posts is just a hotchpotch of random declarations and thoughts and if they will ever make sense if I read them in the future.... let's say in another decade or so. But I'm afraid to give many details... just in case, you know? What if I die and someone goes through my phone and finds these posts? Hahaha it doesn't really matter, I would have been dead already, right?

Anyway, the new approach! Yes! Everything that happens to me and every new journey I want to set out on, I now see as part of The Experiment. It's a very refreshing certainty of "everything belongs", "everything is perfect" and "it all happens for me".

For sure, I get to call the shots in this experiment. At the end of the day, it's MY experiment. Part of why I call it an experiment is precisely because it's intentional, I set goals for certain discoveries I'd like to make and particular topics I'd like to do more research on. But always keeping in mind this quote from Wayne Dyer: "be open to everything and attached to nothing".

Lately I've been sharing myself with someone again. It's been nice, it was tough at first and comforting later. But soon I discovered myself in front of a similar maze, very familiar. I've been trying to take things slow since I really want to discern if this is a trap or a challenge. It's funny how all things you learn only make sense if you actually get to put them into practice. I've been feeling a bit scared and confused, but it's been magical to be able to sit with it all, witness it and finally get to feel in my body what it means to trust my gut, what it means to regulate my nervous system and listen to what boundaries my needs need me to set.

It's the very beginning, that magical phase when it's oh so easy to fall for the wrong things. But I've been here many times now. Different face but same experience. I feel grateful I now have the tools to navigate it differently. 

I think sometimes we gaslight ourselves into believing things that aren't exactly true, and we set ourselves up for "failure", so to speak. As an example, I knew from the very beginning that this particular someone had just gone through a breakup. I felt drawn to him since that first conversation, as he opened up to me and let's not lie here, vulnerability is fucking sexy. But every time I felt tempted, I heard this calm voice in my chest telling me "there's nothing for you to do there, don't come in the way of his process, it's not your place". I told myself "just don't go there". And still, the moment he wanted to kiss me, I decided to fall for it.

And here's where I found myself at the entrance of the familiar maze, I didn't listen to my intuition at first but here, I had to. The signs started to get loud. As I said in my previous post, I can't unsee what I have seen. It would have been reckless of me to pretend -once again- that I wasn't seeing the signs. Thanks to The Experiment, I've become wiser. And in the stillness and comfort of my solitude, in my own company, I achieved a higher sense of discernment. There's no way back for me. I can see the maze clearly now. And I don't want to go there again.

Should I go, or should I stay? I still get dysregulated, of course, I still get overwhelmed and can't see clearly in these situations. All I'm trying to do is stay grounded and practice what I've been learning. Practicing how to regulate my nervous system. Taking the actions written in the new blueprint of my system to engrave them deeper in it.

I can't allow myself to stay, not like this. He's not at all a bad man and I know he doesn't want to consciously hurt me. On the contrary, I can see through his pain that his heart is very kind and good. But right now, he's mentally and emotionally in a heavy place. So, I got a very uneasy feeling in my gut when he shut down emotionally. "I've been here", were my thoughts, "and I don't want to do this again". I sensed the sudden distance, the awkward silence. 

"What's my body trying to tell me? What do I need in this very moment to ground myself back in my sense of self?" I got dizzy for a bit. Then things got very clear. "I don't want this".

And that's where I'm at. Gathering the courage to set strong and clear boundaries for the first time in my life. It's very uncomfortable, but bring it in baby! I welcome the challenge, I can feel the universe gazing over me, waiting to see my next move. And when I put things into perspective, when I remain open to everything and attached to nothing, that's when I can access my inner wisdom and I can hear my inner child asking me to please don't abandon her again. I won't. I'm watching over the playground, making sure it's safe for her to play.

I know, I'm a little witchy. I get flashes and downloads of information here and there. "What I need to know is revealed to me".

I can't put up with emotional unavailability again. I won't be put in a place that's not mine to occupy. I won't fill the gap someone else left. I won't chase a feeling, I won't be used to get a feeling. I won't give away validation and trade it for attention. I no longer need it. I've become comfortable with not having it and I only long for it if it's authentic and genuine and if it's directed toward me because of me.

So I need to voice my standards. There's nothing for me to lose even if my abandonment wound gets triggered. Rejection is redirection. I need to do things differently here so my experiment can yield some different results. I want to feel in my body what it's like to walk away from something I know is not healthy for me.

There's no black and white here. There's no good or bad. There's only love. I feel compassion and kindness toward him and myself; and for what we had, even if it was short, only gratitude. I understand now, no internal process can be rushed and it's not my task to "fix" others. I can only let them be.

I long to experience deeper, more connected and present sex with another as well. And I know it's only possible if there's emotional intimacy, if two get to know each other, if there's curiosity. And I know superficial sex ends up being nothing but a distraction. It no longer resonates with me, as delicious as it may be with him. I long for depth and connection. It's my deepest heart's desire to have meaningful conversations and a loving caring bond with someone. Someone on the same page. Someone who wants to try as much as I do.

I have no clue what may happen. I just know right now some boundaries need to be set, at least on my end. A hard conversation needs to be had and I can see death coming. Something needs to die here. Something beautiful awaits on the other side. A better playground for my little inner one perhaps.

And still, I have to keep in mind that love is always the answer, love is all that remains after you peel all the layers of your ego. So, I want to remember to always stay kind and loving no matter what.

In the meantime, cheers 🥂

Uncertainty is fucking scary & the answer is always love 🤍

Here I am, once again.

I wrote this post originally more than a week ago, but somehow I managed to mess it up and it was all gone. Now I think maybe it was meant to happen. It did serve at the moment as an emotional release, but my thoughts are somewhere else now, somewhere more steady. 

So, let's try again, shall we?

It's been ten months now since I began this journey. Looking back, I remember myself standing there, in the middle of nowhere, in the shadows, feeling all weak, tiny and insignificant. And I can't help but be in awe by the long way I've come. It all felt so heavy back then, impossible even. Ahead of me layed a ginormous thick dark forest. I was so scared yet I knew, deep in my bones, that the only way out was through.

I couldn't picture how to make it through, I couldn't even fathom... how did I even get here to begin with? How was I supposed to gather the courage to take the first step when I was feeling so defeated? There was only an absolute darkness, I could see no light. There was only a longing in my heart, the warmth of a dream, a dream of better days.

I'll save the details as I've probably already shared them in other posts, but anyone who's been through several dark nights of the soul, anyone who has gone through the death of ego, will back me up on this one: it's fucking painful! It burns you down to hell and it brings you back completely reborn. All you can do is surrender.

And surrendering is the most scary thing a human can do. It's also the most loving.

When I started this experiment, I had no idea where I was headed, all I knew was I had hit the lowest low, I had become stagnant and I couldn't stand it anymore, so I had to either start moving forward, somewhere, anywhere... or die right there. Dying seemed indeed very tempting, but I've always had such a strong will to live, so the last I did not consider.

And the more I walked through that forest, the more I felt the pain of my wounds being reopened, the burning flesh of my emotional body completely exposed, the fire of truth tearing me apart, forging me from within quite literally.

There's no undo for what I've built within now. There's no way no unsee what has been seen. Once you know, you know.

I had to learn the hard way that I can only feel loved by the universe by surrendering to it. When I was in pain the most, when I felt entirely lost, I could only start to see a new light once I surrendered. It was the most loving and embracing light. It was this one certainty amidst chaos. The only truth. Love.

Love got me out of that forest, but I know, I would have been trapped in my forest of suffering for an eternity if I would have hold on to my ego. Letting go is such a loving skill to learn in life. It's a constant practice.

The memory of this love comes in waves. Sometimes I still forget. However, every time now something hurts, it's a reminder of that sacred pain I underwent. I may still get attached a bit, my ego may still fall in traps from time to time, and the universe keeps sending me more. It's like a game. A loving game. The loving way the universe reminds me what I'm made of, that I was forged by it's love itself.

Uncertainty is fucking scary, and it's a life's constant. When facing uncertainty, the answer is always love.

What's the most loving thing to do? Where's love to be found in this situation? What's love showing me here? The others are intrinsically made out of the same love that forged me. How can I see love in them even when it pains my ego? Dismantle the stories, what remains is only love.

That's that for now.

Cheers! 🥂 

Here's to discomfort 🥂

I love that sound.
Yellow birds at dawn.
It sounds like I've done something I'll regret.

Discomfort.
Both a curse and a blessing.
A longing.
Hope and despair.

Wishing deeply and letting go entirely.
Can I let the longing itself leave me feeling well fucked?
It's the aliveness found in it.

I love that sound.
Silence.
Early in the morning.
Stillness before chaos awakens.

What's there to choose?
Regrets.
It's either this or that.
We learn to let go of what could have been.
We choose our regrets.
We embrace our choices.

What's there to long for?
A soul, a being, as complete as he can be.
Just like me.
Entirely different in his own way.

What's there to build?
That's for me to know and for you to find out.

We're both alive.
Somewhere.
Longing for each other.

And I love that sound.
It sounds like uncertainty.

Sit with it.
Dwell in it.
Go through it.
We'll get there.

In the meantime,
here's to discomfort.
Cheers 🥂

I don't think I've ever loved anyone for real 🧩

Today felt like day one.

It just clicked for me few days ago. My body and my emotional world are thirsty for some decluttering. Just some silence. Some time to listen to what's actually happening inside.

I've been filling up my mind for eight months now. Filling it with so much information. Books, workshops, retreats, YouTube videos, podcasts, Instagram posts and Tiktok videos, reels, even memes... I'm fed up.

Yes, it's true I've learned a lot. Yes, it's all very useful information, but my head is about to explode. Too much of anything can become intoxicating.

I've looked back at the times I thought I was in love, those times I thought I cared about someone else. But I've found myself looking at my dead ones and my unborn right in the eye.

I've been living for them, honoring them, giving up my life for them, feeling guilty for the life that comes to me from them. This is dark and heavy.

I don't think I've ever loved anyone for real. Death was in the middle the whole time. Up until now, and I don't think it's entirely gone yet. There's still so much grief and pain. I've been feeling like I'm constantly on the verge of crying. I'm overwhelmed and burned out. I can't take in no more.

Yes, the information has been extremely insightful and eye-opening. But it has also torn my heart apart. I've been carrying this mourning sadness. How could I have ever loved anyone? I've been loyal to the dead.

I need some silence. I crave some peace. I can't go on like this.

This is what clicked. I've got to make and hold space for myself to finally feel alive, free of guilt. I am alive because this is the devine plan and I belong here, in this body, in this time, right on this place where I'm standing. But this new feeling of aliveness is exhilarating and I need an anchor or I could also loose my sense of self in it.

That's why I need silence and stillness. That's why I need to stop. That's why I need to empty my mind of all this information I've been consuming, cause it's now consuming me. It's not about getting rid of it, no. I rather need to digest it. It's been sitting raw in my head. With stillness and silence, I intent to finally allow it to come down to my heart and body. 

It's time to start giving all this information space to be processed and embodied. And because of that, today felt like day one, because it suddenly hit me that it was time to stop.

Today is the first day of, once again, a new beginning.

Cheers! 🥂

I can't think of a title, I just want to write about this 🗡️

There's this guy I met like seven months ago, I genuinely decided to talk to him on Instagram just because I thought "hey, he looks like the kind of people I want to be around in this new season in my life. I'm going to become his friend and meet new people through him!” Hahaha now that I think about it, my way of thinking was kind of funny.

Anyway, I don't know how it happened but I ended up liking him. He's been in my mind almost since I started this season of singleness. Yes, we did kiss. Yes, we were super close to having sex. I was the one who said no. Of course, I didn't want to break my own pact when I had just started.

Even though we had a conversation about it and, from the things we said, I totally felt like we were absolutely not compatible at all. So I discarded the whole idea... But my brain couldn't completely let go. It's so weird, I've had many moments of feeling and telling myself that this guy is not for me, yet every time I see him feelings come back to the surface.

I just don't get it. I've been working so actively on healing and balancing my feminine and masculine energies, on grounding myself in my life and reality, on cultivating friendships and meaningful relationships, on getting comfortable with my solitude... And I feel like these feelings are holding me back from fully experiencing this newness. I really want to just not like someone. I want there to be no one I like. I just want to feel like I'm all on my own for the first time in my life and that I'm totally okay with it.

This is the least introspective post I've written so far, but seriously, I needed to get this out of my chest. I don't know how to get him out of my system. We've become friends, but should I just take some distance from him and not see him nor talk to him for a while? Should I tell him all this? Should I just keep it a secret?

The thing is, he's got pretty much everything I'd like a man to have and be to become my partner in life. But I don't think he feels the same way about me... It triggers me a bit, you know? Is this a trap? Is this showing me once more that I choose unavailable guys to fall in love with? Does this mean I got to do more shadow work on why it is that I choose guys that don't want to choose me back?

I'm going to get some family constellations done for this soon. And I'm taking it in as the lesson it surely is. Even though I haven't fully seen what it's teaching me. I am entirely sure this, as everything else, is happening for me. For my highest good. And maybe that's it. Maybe I'll be able to let go once I learn my lesson from this situation.

In the meantime, I keep going.

And for that... Cheers! 🥂

About some human emotions and feeling lost in life 🌷

~ Just so you know, this will be a long one.

Whenever I want to post one of these, it's always tough to start. I never know what to say first, my thoughts are all tangled and I cannot feel anything clearly. But hey! That's one of the main reasons I write these, to gain some clarity, to put my thoughts on the table so I can sort them out.

As you know, I spent around 5 years of my life (from 22 to 27) living with my parents up in the mountains in the middle of nowhere. Far away from society, surrounded by nature. It sounds idyllic, doesn't it? Well, sorry to ruin it for you, it wasn't.

The thing is, it was nice at the beginning for sure. A change of air, a lot more space, magical landscapes, it felt like freedom for a while. I won't deny it was most convenient during the pandemic as well, we surely didn't feel as locked down as people in the city. The hell came after.

I lost my job when the pandemic hit. I was sad but grateful I could live with my parents and we were so free of the repercussions of covid up there in the mountains. But when things slowly started to go back to "normal", I realised how isolated I was from the world, how secluded the house in the mountains was.

Have you ever felt guilty for feeling annoyed about something you "should" feel grateful for? That started to be me. I had a roof over my head, food, clothes, my own room, internet, etc. and still I felt like I was rotting inside. Like I had became a ghost in this world. I felt tiny and insignificant, I felt like my existence had no place in this reality. I couldn't get myself out of bed, couldn't get myself to take a shower. I barely ate. I stopped singing, I stopped drawing, I stopped dreaming. I saw no future for me, while still I longed for better days.

It really sucked. And it was really hard to start living again. Forcing myself to get a job again, to socialise, to appear as a normal human being in front of others. I didn't see any friends for 2 years during that time, so having to arrange time to see them again when I felt chronically exhausted was the worst and I felt guilty for it as well. I still loved them with all my heart, I just didn't have the energy.

Ok, so, to put the pieces together here, this experience really shattered me and my sense of reality into pieces. And recovery was really hard. Specially, because my sense of self and sense of reality before was never really grounded to begin with.

I dealt with years of bullying in school since I was a little girl. I used to victimize myself for that, but not anymore. However, I can't deny the impact it had on me or obviate the effort I had to put into changing my internal speech about it. Even though I've worked hard on healing that wound, it was still triggered from time to time. How would it show? Well, basically I would very often feel like I had no place in other people's lives. Like no one really cared about me or what I had to say. I think, unconsciously, I was choosing these people in my life who wouldn't listen or who would interrupt me when I was talking, just to name some examples. And I was really afraid to take up space anywhere, or in any human relationship. The sole idea of asking for something I desired or setting the tiniest boundaries would scare the hell out of me. So I didn't do it. And that would constantly reassure the speech in my head about me being unworthy of having a place in this world or unworthy of being seen or heard, which are basic human needs. I was creating this self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, that was a little retrospective context, but coming back to right after the pandemic time, finding myself isolated like that, and of course it was no one's fault, but I had completely lost my sense of self. I was just surviving day by day, I had no purpose. I had nothing to live for. I had no reason to get out of bed. I've always had very vivid dreams, so I used that as my escape. I would rather sleep and have vivid dreams that were way better than my reality.

It's been 2 years since then, and I will keep it short here because I've already talked about this season of my life before.

I intensely went to therapy, more specifically to family constellations, for about a year and really focused on getting my shit together and recouping my desire to live basically. That really saved my life. But still, I was stuck in the mountains, and as much as I loved my parents and the house and the landscapes were dreamy, I couldn't get my self to feel comfortable with it. Everything was so hard for me from there. Getting to the city and back to the house was a whole journey in itself. And I started to feel tired of it more and more every day. There was nothing I wished more than to live in the city again! But, I didn't seem to fin a way out. Cause getting a decent full-time job to pay for a decent living on my own, was hard enough already and it was even harder living so far away from the city. So I didn't know what to do.

Long story short, I decided to get things moving in a different direction and I started letting people know about my situation, hoping that the power of networking would do its thing for me. And one day I was telling a good friend of mine about my dilemma, and I, very suddenly, ended up getting a good job thanks to him. Everything happened so freaking fast that in the matter of days I found myself packing my stuff an moving to my aunt's place in the city because I didn't have time to get my own place in such short notice.

Since then, it's been a year. I found this little cute place I've been living in with my cat Nina, my black little panther, about 2 months after moving to my aunt's place and I moved in here. I kid you not, I couldn't be happier in that moment! I don't have enough words to describe the feeling of lightness and relief I had when I finally got a place to live on my own.

It was a good start, and I still to this day feel immensely blessed that I found my way back to the city, however, there were still unaddressed issues in my life. I have come a long way addressing them since I moved out but I still have a long way to go, cause we never really stop healing and learning you know?

Remember what I said about feeling like I had no place in this world? This experience of having to find myself a job and a place to live and providing for myself and Nina, making sure to have my basic needs met like grocery shopping, and doing laundry and eating three meals a day... All that helped me feel a lot more grounded in my existence in this world. I have definitely grown a lot through the challenges I've faced and I was actually starting to feel comfortable... But you know how life likes to throw shit at you to wake you up when you're falling into autopilot again, right?

Shit suddenly hit the fan, and really hard! It truly caught me off guard. (That rhymed hehe)

One of the things I've been addressing since I came back to the city, is intentionally cultivating relationships in my life, both friends and family, but mostly friends. This is because I made it a point to work on that issue of feeling out of place among people, more specifically among equals. Friends.

Social relationships are tricky when one deals with feelings of inferiority and unworthiness. I've cut ties with people in my life there was no point trying with, but with the rest, I've really put on an effort to bond deeper. And I've made an effort to meet new people too, and cultivate new friendships. But it's not always easy.

People are going to trigger you for your own good. That's the way it is. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship with anyone. But before, I used to shape shift in order to prevent any conflict, because I was so afraid of rejection and abandonment. Facing this fear is fucking painful.

So, the other day I was on a trip with a group of friends. All of them were new friends in my life (less than a year), but between them, they've been friends for years. So I was the new one, basically. We were walking and they started talking about random things and everyone was telling stories about things that had happened in their lives and I felt like I wanted to share a story too. And it immediately hit me. The discomfort, suddenly feeling out place, thoughts of "no one is gonna care if I talk", "they're not gonna listen anyway", all that. 

As I was walking, I internally stopped to listen to those thoughts and, since I've been trying to break patterns lately, I decided to take some deep breaths, ground myself and go for it.

I started talking and telling my story, and it wasn't long until one of them interrupted me and I realised none of them were paying attention to me. You know that feeling when you're talking but you notice they're in their heads and you're talking to a wall? That was it. That was the feeling I got.

I felt the emotional pain, but since I had already grounded myself before, instead of being angry at them, I just went immediately quite to stay with the emotion in my body. When this shift happened in my energy, one of them immediately noticed, and he was like "oh, what were you saying again?" It might seem small, but it was such a magical moment for me, because I learned right there, that being consciously quite is also a way of taking up space.

The feeling didn't go away, and more little things kept triggering me durin the trip. I actively stayed with all of them in my body, just letting them move through me, observing them, while externally having fun at the same time of course. It's really interesting how you can be having two contrasting experiences external and internally at the same time, the two of them just coexisting in the present moment if you allow yourself to hold space for them.

Thank goodness the place we were at had a water body, a magnificent river. I've always felt such incredible peace whenever I'm submerged from neck to toe in a river. Water is also directly connected to the emotional world as well. So there was this moment when I started feeling an anxiety attack building up inside me and I was sitting on a rock under water, only my head was out and I was hugging my legs against my chest. 

There were people around me having fun in the river and my friends were each doing their thing, jumping off of small cliff into the river and capturing pictures and videos, just normal stuff. And I was there, sitting still in the middle of the river, feeling incredibly small and invisible, trying my very best to stay grounded in my body and feeling the water around it.

I closed my eyes and focused on breathing and the water moving around me. Then, I started lovingly asking my body "what do you need?", and it answered. Very deep in my mind I heard something: "I belong". As simple as that.

So I followed that voice. "I belong", a few times just in my head. Then my body wanted to say it out loud, so I started whispering "I belong", my throat felt tight at first. "I belong", more and more clearly every time. Breathing into it, until I was able to say it soundly. "I belong", it became a mantra. I could feel the vibration of the words in my body against the water. My mind went quite, except for this mantra. My body felt peaceful. And I entered this unexplainable state of trance in which I could still hear every happening around me, but I was here, melting with the sound of my words. Until one of my friends came and brought me out of it by asking "you okay?"

It was truly an amazing experience, completely intuitive. This is what I've been practicing lately, but this specific moment was very special and deep.

After that, I felt so peaceful interacting with my friends for the rest of the trip, and I actually noticed their energy toward me shifted and they started talking to me more and they would listen whenever I said something, and it was effortless.

I learned so much from this trip and I'm so grateful for all the things in my life that brought me to where I am today internally and externally. I am definitely eager to have more learning experiences and see the vision of the woman I want to become turn into reality.

I'm thankful for the people in my life and for all the lessons they bring me through our friendship.

That's all for now.

Cheers! 🥂

Sometimes I wish life was simpler 🌾

Why struggle you know? The idea of a "soft life" is very tempting indeed, but how does one achieve it?

Being multi talented is both a blessing and a curse. Why the hell do we want to do it all? I don't think I have any kind of syndrome like ADHD that makes me jump from one activity to another without ever finishing one. I actually don't get distracted easily. On the contrary, I can focus for very long periods of time on one task that's has me completely absorbed in it. But after I've learned a decent amount about something or I've become decently good with a new skill... I suddenly loose interest.

And then I just want to learn something else, and then again something else and so on... Hence, all the big but unfinished projects I've started in my life since I was... what? 14 maybe? Why do I do this? This must certainly have a name... And I might not be the only one in the world experiencing this, am I?

Yes, I've heard about self sabotage and procrastination as a self soothing mechanism to not face struggle and difficult situations. And I've thought about that. I am good at all this stuff and I have abundant brilliant ideas, but then... why am I not doing anything with them? Why am I still stuck half way in them?

Why is it that I want to do it all, but it feels so heavy to commit to just one thing? The thought of loosing all the possibilities from all the other ideas freaks me out. What if I fail? What if I chose the wrong path? What if my better life was somewhere else by going down a different route? What if I find out too late? What if? What if? What if?

And I end up doing nothing. I find myself frozen again and again. Not knowing what to do or how to choose. Can I say that I leave myself stunned with my own lack of discernment? Because my mind just goes blank and all of a sudden everything goes from being the object of my desire to none of it being appealing anymore.

It's the weirdest thing to get burned out without any need of external action. Burned out just by the chaos in my mind to the point it's physically exhausting, to the detriment of my own life time, which was the very thing I didn't want to waste in the first place.

How does one get out of this endless loop?

So I wish life was simpler. I wish I had just one talent. I envy those who are good at just one thing and make the best out of it. I wish I didn't have to worry about what path to take.

I know, this might be controversial (or maybe not, I've never talked about this with anyone), and people might say I'm ungrateful and that they wished they had so many talents instead.

Well, I guess life is unfair like that. Or it's just like Dios le da pan al que no tiene dientes. And those who have the bread must find a way to develop teeth then.

Whatever. I guess the process of sharpening my teeth is messy and painful in itself. And it's what I ought to do in this life. Maybe that's what I came here for...

Just to end this on a positive note! I haven't lost faith in myself. It's just hard sometimes you know? I hope you're reading this from the future and you've figured it out already.

Anyways...

Cheers! 🥂

I'm in repair 🎋

I don’t even know what I’ve been so scared of, to be honest. But I realized I would so much rather try something new and fail and make a mistake than just be paralyzed by my own fear.

I was asked, not so long ago, where I saw myself in five years. To be fair, I was unable to find an answer. 

I used to have an ideal prospect of life for myself maybe 5 years ago, but life has turned out to be quite different no matter what.

We tend to get too attached to these very fixed ideas of who we are or who we should be in the future, how our life should look like. But that's precisely what this last season of my life has been about. All those ideas, I've been letting them die.

It's been a very slow season of transition from fall to winter. It's been cozy, it's been about staying inside, it's been about cultivating human warmth and patience. It's been about getting comfortable with uncertainty.

For me, spring is definitely not around the corner. However, I'm not in haste for it to come anytime soon. As my desire is to take my time to let the ground rest moist and prepare for a new season. 

What may grow? What may bloom? I do not know nor want to know. My experiment is about finding my sync back with nature as much as a human possibly could.

Every weed must die and decompose before I can plant new seeds in this parcel of mine. So I'm letting the season do its wise thing.

When timely, we shall see new sprouts.

I quit 🍂

I'm exhausted.

There's this thought that hunts my mind every single fucking day and, I must admit, I hate it. I know, I know... "what you resist, persists". I do think about it, I do try so fucking hard not to resist it, which is funny because by trying hard not to resist it, I'm resisting it even harder aaAghhhh FUCK!!!

I just need to get it off my chest, please... Cause when I allow myself to be vulnerable about it I can't help but cry. I sometimes wish there was someone who would listen to me and get me, just someone who gets me, you know? I long for this thing that feels so foreign and familiar at the same time, it seems so close and so distant, so possible and so utopic all together. This longing makes my heart hurt sometimes and I wonder: "is this even a healthy longing to have?"

Why is it that my heart sinks when I think about it? Is it my wounded inner little sweet girl who is so afraid to believe and be fearless again? Is she holding on to old pain? Is she afraid to fully let go and hold my hand and finally bring me back to my deepest, truest self?

Maybe I'm being too ambiguous here. So, here's some context for the future me reading this: This is about a lonely path I'm in right now. This is about finding out about relational patterns, and realizing how intoxicated my brain is. This is about a choice I made exactly three months ago. This is about a goal that feels like the biggest thing I've ever set my mind to in my entire life. Remember when I said I had decided to live life as an ongoing experiment? Well, it's about that too. 

Only three months ago this thought began to dawn on me that I haven't been single for like the past eight years. So, I get it, I gotta be compassionate with myself, since choosing to stay single no matter what might be extremely uncomfortable for my brain at the beginning. But, ugh, God I was not expecting so many roaches to come crawling so disgustingly out of the shadows!

Can I get like super fucking raw here with you? Oh, absolutely. The amount of compulsive thoughts, behaviors, cravings and such that I've been facing, has been terrifying. I don't regret my decision. I still think it's the best thing I've done in a long time and it's only been three months, I wonder how much more I would have seen and worked on when one full year had gone by, maybe I'll even be up for another year then. But wait, I don't want to get too far ahead in my head. This is about the present moment.

There's this voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough, not interesting enough, not wealthy enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not healthy enough... not lovable enough... And already too old to find "my person". This same voice tells me that he would be too good, too smart, too sexy, too kind, too much to ever set eyes on me. All in all, I know good men exist in this world, but somehow this voice manages to convince me that I'm not destined to find one to build a life with.

And then there's this other voice that tells me that I've been working so much on myself, that I am a rare beautiful treasure of a woman, that I'm so freaking deep and magical and powerful. And no, it does not come from that "empowered" women bullshit speech I'm so fed up with. I truly believe it. I've come so far, I've died so many times, I've burnt through suffering and pain for so long, and I've seen the beauty of it and the darkness of it, and I've been afraid of it and I've been thankful for it. And I know, deep in my bones that I'm meant to be this woman I'm becoming. And I know I'm not meant to meet a man right now. He's probably on his way of becoming the warrior he's meant to be as well, he's probably on his own journey. And maybe he's thinking of me, a woman he hasn't yet met but he longs for...

Or maybe these are all childish fairytales in my imagination and I just want to quit it all. Cause I'm fucking tired of daydreaming. I'm missing out on the real day-to-day life. And maybe this is all just my intoxicated brain still thinking that this life's greatest joy and achievement is to find a man wise and mature enough to build something sacred and long-lasting with. I mean... it still sounds beautiful, but I wanna quit. I quit.

My goal with this experiment is to reach a point where there's finally a day in my life free of such thoughts. Free of daydreaming about this man that is "the one", the "love of my life", or whatever. It's a fucking energy leak and I truly just want it to stop. I am aware that I need that energy for other things, things that will build me a life I feel safer living. That's what I know truly matters now. I made this choice for little Bel. She needs me now more than ever. I want her to trust in me again. I want to build a soft and safe place for her to come out and play and express herself in the most authentic ways. I want her to help me find my way back home. I want her to know I won't let anyone hurt her ever again and that I'm here for her, always.

That being said, I quit.

And I was thinking the other day, as I was walking back home and it was pouring rain and it was pretty sad like a scene from a kdrama, that maybe this quitting process is not an instant thing. Maybe it's a decision I ought to keep making day by day, cause my brain will try and bring me back to old thoughts and old patterns, cause it feels familiar and safe and I get it.

Maybe, I need to grieve over the death of this idea that has lived in my head for such a long time. At the end of the day, I am indeed letting go of something that has been so big and important. I'm letting it die inside me, and I can feel the void it's leaving in me. And I can allow myself to grieve. And as I grieve, I keep making this choice every day. I quit again and again, one day at a time. Until it becomes the new familiar thing and I won't have to purposely think about it but I will have quit, slowly but surely.

Anyways. I quit.

So, cheers! 🥂

Being back 🌱

I've been thinking a lot lately... about... like... what am I doing? I mean, like... WHAT. AM. I. DOING? Seriously, I feel so lost it's overwhelming. I've got this weird sense of energy leaking and not even knowing where it's going is making me have a really hard time directing it.

I've been working on making peace with uncertainty, with facing the unknown, and on emptying myself more and more in order to allow new information in. It's kinda funny to see things unravel and life trips me up over and over. I can't help but laugh at myself when I catch myself falling into the same behaviors and patterns, but I've observed them and studied them for so long now, that even if I tip over the same pile of shit... it's just so fucking hilarious.

Anyways, what am I doing? I feel like I want to enjoy the "not knowing" part of it but I self-sabotage the experience. I told myself this was gonna be a season of not doing, not expecting, and just embracing the spaciousness of my existing (yes, not existence but existing) without the hustle. And yet, I've found myself saying yes to things and filling up my time and space with things that I didn't want or even need. No doubt I feel breathless again then, and just burnt out.

I come from years and years of unconsciously practicing these patterns I want to detox from, and I know, deep down, this is what I need: to just pause for a while, switch to slow living as much as possible and ground myself here and now. I've felt it before and that's why I know this, to continuously stop and come back to my body, to fully and wholeheartedly open everything in me to feel, feeeeeel, that's it. Feeling. Stop trying to process every emotion and experience with the mind. It's not its purpose. And for how many years I didn't allow myself to feel? Gosh!

Now that I'm finally unpacking all this backlog of repressed and unprocessed emotions and old pains, I just feel it more than ever, deep in my bones, that I crave this silence, this stillness. So I gotta stop robbing myself of it. I don't need to know the why, I don't need to understand, I just need to listen to my heart's calling and fucking feel with every cell in my body and sweat it all out, cry it all out, scream it all out... or type it all out in whatever way my body feels like it.

So yeah, that's the update. I'll try to post here more often, ya know, for my future self.

Until next time,

cheers! 🥂